


Terra Incognita

by marith



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-05
Updated: 2018-06-20
Packaged: 2018-11-09 08:59:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 38,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11101245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marith/pseuds/marith
Summary: Shizuo still wants to beat the shit out of Izaya. But he wants something else more.





	1. The Proposal

**Author's Note:**

> My first attempt at DRR fic! Takes place sometime between seasons 1 and 2 of the anime. Shizuo's perspective is fun to write, and hopefully I didn't let him get too OOC.

The pair of mall security guards only noticed when he reached the bottom of the escalator - he could tell by the pointing. The whispering, the fidgeting, the visible mutual decision that it must be time for lunch break, and the slinking off into the crowd followed just like usual.

If Heiwajima Shizuo was in an introspective mood, he might reflect on the irony that his obvious-as-hell cultivated image made him invisible to every kind of cop, and think for the hundredth time that somebody cleverer than him ought to use that strategy. As it was he just relaxed a tiny bit and peered at the directory.

Malls were full of expensive breakable stuff so he rarely went in them. They were also confusing. Who needed half this stuff, hah? Why three stores dedicated to - never mind. Concentrate. Look for shops like "Villains R Us" (no, too downmarket-sounding), or "World of Knives", or "Pretentious Scheming Bastard Essentials". Or maybe the sushi places.

Where would the flea go? Kadota had spotted him sauntering in by this entrance not five minutes ago, but by now he could be anywhere. This wasn't going to work. He'd try again to call Shinra. Shizuo raised his head and scanned the crowds around the fountain, desperately, just on the chance that -

\- that Orihara Izaya was standing not twenty feet from him, engrossed in studying an ad banner. He was smirking at a headline reading "Preview of Paradise" in glittery pink, hands in the pockets of his coat, shifting from foot to foot as though ready to dart away the moment something else caught his eye.

The best way to approach Izaya, Shizuo firmly believed, was to launch something heavy at him from behind. A solid hit was worth cake for dessert that night, with a bonus scoop of ice cream if it left visible injury. But today he needed a sharp-witted flea, not a concussed one. Could he simply walk up quietly and say "boo" in his ear?

Nope. Izaya spun around as though alerted by a sixth sense, knife in one hand, before Shizuo had closed half the distance. For an instant he looked genuinely surprised; then the familiar smirk crept across his face. "Shizu-chan, this isn't Ikebukuro. Did the monster escape from the zoo? Should I call one of your keepers?"

Damn it! It didn't matter how sincerely he'd vowed to stay calm beforehand, the flea could ignite murderous fury in his veins in ten words or less. Through gritted teeth, he managed to say, "I need to talk to you," in a mostly even voice.

"Oh?" Izaya's head tilted to one side in amusement. "I'm flattered if you missed me that much, but this isn't a good place to play, you know, Shizu-chan." He looked and sounded completely relaxed, which meant he was half a second from running.

There'd be no chasing him in here - "Iwanttohireyou," Shizuo heard himself blurt out, too fast and garbled-sounding. "Shit! No fight! I. Want. To. Hire. You."

This time the surprised look stayed longer. "Now those aren't words I ever expected to hear from a penniless protozoan." The knife went back into a pocket, along with a hand that Shizuo knew could bring it out again with impressive speed. "Whatever would - oh, of course. Something must have happened to your dear brother."

He felt the snarl building in his throat, suppressed it. "Some group of crazies took him right off a shoot. His girlfriend came to me for help, the police are useless and that spastic boss of theirs is worse." Five hours, it had been almost five hours now.

"And yet you haven't accused me of being responsible." Izaya looked surprised for a third time, which had to be some kind of record. Even in these circumstances, Shizuo had to grin. _Aw, am I ahead of you for once, flea? That's gotta smart._

"Nope."

"If you want to learn to play mental games, Shizu-chan, you should practice with someone closer to your level first, like a five-year-old. And aren't you in a hurry right now?" Izaya made a show of looking at his watch. Shizuo wanted to punch him twice for the insult and three times more for being correct on all counts, damn him. He clenched his fists. There was a bench right there, but he wasn't going to pick it up, he wasn't. Kasuka needed him.

"I don't think you did it, and if you did...." The truth tasted bitter in his throat. "I'll still hire you to fix it. It turns my stomach, but getting Kasuka back safe is more important than anything about your ass, and that includes stomping it into the ground." Ugh. He spat into one of the decorative plant pots, noting automatically that it was a good size for throwing.

He didn't want to see what expression was on Izaya's face now.

"That's ... either surprisingly mature or really, really stupid of you, Shizu-chan." He heard the flea sigh theatrically. "And how are you planning to retain my very expensive professional services? I've seen some of your debts, you know. The property damage fines from the city alone would be enough to fund an anger management counseling center, if you could ever pay them off. They could name it after you."

"Tch, you think I don't know that? But I've got something you want more than money." He looked the informant straight in the eyes now, hard and confident, because this had to work. "Name your price."

Izaya blinked. "Eh?"

"You think it's fun to fuck up my life, don't you? This is the best chance you'll ever have. Want me to stand still while you stab me to death? Welcome you to Ikebukuro once a week and buy you sushi? Take the fall for one of your schemes and go to jail? Sing enka in a dress? Just say the word." Whatever Izaya came up with would be none of those things and yet somehow worse than all of them, Shizuo knew. It didn't matter.

"You really would do anything for your brother, wouldn't you? That's kind of unbalanced, don't you think? Monstrous, one might say. What if I-"

"Not _anything._ You know damn well I won't kill someone, or beat up someone who isn't asking for it. In fact, let's take hurting people right off the table. If I hit someone it'll be because I feel like it. And no open-ended 'favors' for the future, either. We settle the price here and now." Shizuo took a deep breath, willed himself to calm. "And like you said, I'm in a hurry."

Silence. Izaya seemed unable to find a response, for once; he looked less dangerous and more like a Disney character, like maybe a scientist whose lab rats had just held up a little sign reading "SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR FUNDING SUCKER". It would've been hilarious if Shizuo was able to find anything funny just now. "Still in a hurry," he prompted.

And added the moment the flea finally opened his mouth, "Yeah, yeah, what'll I do if you say no, I'll kill you, blah blah blah. Hurry up."

("If you're going to try negotiating with Izaya," Shinra had said, "do really unexpected things and keep surprising him. He likes that - he always used to complain that humans are predictable - so he tends to let it distract him.")

It seemed to be working great as a strategy, too. But then Izaya suddenly grinned at him in a sharp pleased way, and if Shizuo had been the lab rats he would've tried to hide behind the food dispenser. "You're more entertaining than usual today, Shizu-chan. So as a thank you I'll cooperate." He spun around and pointed at the poster on the wall. "I want...you to come with me on that!"

The glittery pink letters at the top of the poster still read "Preview of Paradise." Shizuo looked at them, and at the picture beneath, and back at Izaya. "That's an ad for a couple's cruise thing."

"You're the one who wanted a quick decision. I don't have anyone to go on such a thing with, and _you'll_ certainly never have the chance, so it'll be a new experience! Besides, the theme is an interest of mine. I want to see what ridiculous 'education' they push on their customers."

Slowly and distinctly, with every bit of patience he had left, Shizuo pointed out, "You'll piss me off and I'll get violent and _sink the boat_."

That sharp smile grew wider. "No you won't. That's my price, protozoan. We go on this cruise for one week and you keep your temper and do everything I say, and I mean everything - within the limits you already set, yes, of course." Izaya waved a hand dismissively at the idea of Shizuo's ethical limits. "I'll pay for your ticket, and you'll pretend to be a housebroken human, and - well, I don't actually care if you break things and people, but if you spoil my vacation, you'll still owe me, won't you? Assuming you ever make it back to land."

He'd been prepared for something bizarre and horrible and probably fatal. Well, this certainly counted as bizarre, and Shizuo was sure the other two would be involved sooner or later. "Fine. I accept. Just get him back safe already."

"Let's get started then, shall we?" said Izaya, and set off at a trot, although not in the direction of the exit. Shizuo was ahead of him in two strides. "Hey, aren't we going to your office?"

"Too far. All I need is somewhere quiet." He led the way to a side corridor with an unmarked locked door, fished a wallet from his pocket and began thumbing through it. "I'm just an information broker, you know. Once I find out where he is, you'll have to do the heroic rescue part yourself."

"Oh, I will." Shizuo reached past him (it felt weird to be this close without even going for a chokehold) and grabbed the knob, turning it hard to the right. The door made a crunching-metal sound and sagged open in defeat.

Izaya stared at it for a moment, sighed and put the wallet back in his pocket. "That shouldn't even be possible, you know. Mechanically."

Shizuo shrugged. "I guess after you break enough doors, you learn the secret technique."

Inside was an access stairwell. "So if you defeat the boss door, do you get a limit break?" Izaya smirked, and then pointed at the stairs. "Sit down and shut up. Text your headless friend and tell her to meet you at the east entrance."

 

* * *

 

_I can do that. What's Izaya doing?_

 

**_He's got three phones out and he's talking and typing on all of them, it's crazy._ **

 

_He may be a horrible person but he's good at his job. We'll get to your brother soon._

 

_**Yeah.**                                                                                                             _

_What did you promise him, anyway?_

 

_Sorry. You probably don't want to talk about it right now._

 

_I'll be there in ten minutes. Just hang in there._

_**Yeah.**  _                                                                                                    

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While writing this I realized that Shizuo might have to avoid a lot of the places Ikebukuro is famous for, like shopping malls, out of fear of breaking things. ("Sunshine 60 Aquarium destroyed by man who claims octopus was 'looking at him funny', details at 11.") In the anime he seems to spend his free time just walking around outside, maybe that's why?


	2. The Mission, Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted to post the next chapter before work but couldn't quite finish, so here's most of it. The rest will be up later tonight.

Seventeen minutes later, Izaya said into one of his phones, "You're certain? All right, pictures and layout as usual, but the outside only. No, it's too risky and I don't actually care what they're saying in there all that much." He looked up. "Good news, Shi- that was fast."

Shizuo had been pacing up and down the steps (the "sit down and shut up" rule had lasted one minute and eight seconds), and simply jumped down the stairwell. "You found him? Is he all right?"

"He's alive, anyway. I don't know more than that."

"You could have found _out_."

"Oh, did you want to wait rather than go see for yourself? He's less than five miles away." Izaya pressed buttons, and a moment later Shizuo's phone chimed. "Second floor of an office building. Supposedly unoccupied, and the owner isn't the sort to have stealth tenants. They might have just broken in, or they could've been using the place at night for weeks. There's no telling what you'll find in there."

"This the kind of value you give all your clients?" Shizuo responded, but without heat; he was already googling directions to the address.

"Your offer wasn't worth _that_ much effort."

And the flea's effort wasn't worth a thank you, so he didn't bother with one as he left. Izaya just gave him a little amused wave from where he leaned against the wall, the picture of relaxation, as though he wouldn't be leaving himself the instant Shizuo was out of sight.

(They'd both left fingerprints and that kind of thing all over the place. It didn't matter - if anyone bothered to investigate, they wouldn't bring charges, just thank their lucky stars nothing was broken except the door. Shizuo felt guilty about not feeling more guilty, sometimes; but he couldn't have paid damages and everybody knew it.)

 

* * *

 

Celty was waiting outside as promised. Her yellow cat-eared helmet nodded in greeting, and he slung himself onto the motorcycle behind her and grabbed at the seat for support. She held out her PDA as soon as he was settled. The text on the screen read:

[ _I just got an address and map from Izaya. Did he tell you anything about your brother's situation?_ ]

"Nah, he couldn't be bothered." Shizuo adjusted his grip on the seat to compensate as Shooter zoomed forward abruptly. It didn't seem right to hold onto Celty's body as most passengers did, and he was a little proud that he'd never had to do so to stay on the bike. "Second floor. When we get there, can you find Kasuka and keep him safe with your shadows? You know how I get."

The yellow helmet in front of him nodded once, and that was enough. It was always easy with Celty, had been since the day they met for the first time and he saw her casually gut-punch Shinra for an inappropriate remark. This, he had known immediately, was someone he could work with.

On the day he met Izaya...he'd been taunted, stabbed and hit by a truck.

Why, exactly, did he think today would be different? _Because it has to be._ Yeah, right. He sounded like one of Tom's clients insisting that the next horse race _would too_ pay off and clear their debts. The more he thought about it, as the city rushed by them, the more stupid his plan sounded. Shizuo's fingers gradually clenched harder on the seat, until the engine made a noise of protest that sounded more like a whinny than anything mechanical. He forced himself to relax them and tried muttering "Kill, kill, kill," but couldn't get into a satisfying rhythm. Instead of the familiar bubbling rage he felt an uneasy lurching in his gut, and over his mantra a laughing voice was saying in his head, _Sorry, Shizu-chan, betraying you just sounded like more fun._

They pulled up near the service entrance of the building, in the shadow of a dumpster. Shizuo took a moment to light a cigarette, for the first time in hours; Celty looked at him in obvious surprise as he took a deep drag, trying for calm.

"This is probably just a setup," he told her. "There'll be two dozen guys in there waiting to jump us, and maybe a note saying "Sorry Shizu-chan, your princess isn't in this castle!"

[ _I don't think it's a setup._ ], her PDA read.

"Why not? He does it all the time."

[ _I just don't. And even if it is, we can take them, and we'll be no worse off than where we started. Let's go._ ]

There wasn't really any arguing with that, and so he dropped the cigarette and scuffed it out. "Yeah, okay."

The lookouts at the entrance didn't seem to have been expecting them. Inside, the door to the east suite had been propped open; loud music drifted out, something chirpy and cheerful that sounded Indian to Shizuo. He thought about waiting and listening near the door to get a sense of the room, thought screw it, and charged, yelling.

"ALL RIGHT, YOU IDIOTS, I HOPE YOU'RE READY TO SUFFER!" It came out more matter-of-factly and less enthusiastic than usual, but it wasn't like he actually cared about impressing anyone. He came to a stop in the middle of the room and looked around.

What he saw wasn't anything he would be able to forget, ever, no matter how much he tried.


	3. The Mission, Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What should have been the second part of chapter 2, if I hadn't gotten impatient. :)

Shinra almost dropped the tea tray he was holding.

"You're kidding. This is a prank you thought up together, because you know I will believe anything my wonderful Celty tells me."

"Nope."

"You're seriously telling me these guys were trying to summon the spirit of Kishore Kumar, using Heiwajima Yuuhei here as a vessel."

Shizuo and Celty nodded in unison. Kasuka silently took two of the mugs on the tray, sat back down, and handed one to Ruri.

Shaking his head in wonder, Shinra put the tray down and perched on the sofa next to his girlfriend. "Bollywood cultists. Even for this town, that's weird. Er - did their ritual seem to be working? The giant musical number thing?"

"Nah."

"Oh, good. My dad would definitely try to recreate it, and while normally I'm in favor of scientific experimentation..."

Celty shuddered. _[The sequins alone... I don't even want to think about it.]_

Shizuo stared at the mug of tea in front of him glumly, knowing he'd probably break it if he tried to drink. "I feel stupid, getting in debt to that shitty louse over a bunch of dancing fruitcakes."

 _[Don't say that!]_ Celty typed immediately. _[You didn't know what was happening to your brother, he might have been about to be killed.]_

"I'm grateful that you were willing to go so far for me," said Kasuka. "And they might have been more dangerous than they seemed. Some of them were very unhappy with me for not doing the shoulder action correctly."

"I'm glad you helped," said Ruri, which was more words than she'd ever said to Shizuo in total before today.

"So, what did you have to promise Izaya, anyway?" Shinra said brightly. Celty punched him in the stomach.

"He, um, said he wants me to go onthiscruisethingwithhim," Shizuo sighed. "For a week." He'd been trying not to think about it until Kasuka was safe, but now all the excruciatingly embarrassing possibilities were coming back to mind.

Shinra, still doubled over in pain, made an incredulous noise.

 _[Wouldn't you sink the boat with the both of you on it?]_ asked Celty.

"Which cruise?" Kasuka asked.

"I dunno the name, something couple-y. The ad said Preview of Paradise and had pink and hearts and stuff." He wondered if Izaya would, in fact, make him sing enka in a dress.

"That's strange," said his brother. "I know some of the entertainers on that cruise. It's meant for honeymoons and anniversaries, and the theme is about imagining eternal happiness together in the afterlife. They have lectures on different theories about life after death, mythology, and that kind of thing. It's been a little controversial."

"That - _cough_ \- does sound kind of up his alley, actually," Shinra put in. "Not the romance part, not at all, but the mythology. Still..."

"He probably just thought it'd be a fun way to get me put in prison, or trapped outside the country, or eaten by sharks or something. There's no point trying to figure out shitty flea motives." Shizuo was starting to get impatient. "I'll just have to tell Tom I might not be coming back, that's all. Tch, there's the rent, too..." Most of his stuff would be no loss if the landlord threw it out, but there were his bartender outfits and a few other things he cared about. Maybe he could box them all up with a note before he left, asking that they be sent to Kasuka.

_[He might not be serious, you know. It would be just like Izaya to threaten something like that and watch you worry, then call it off.]_

Suddenly a loud irritating mosquito-drone filled the room. Everyone but Shizuo winced and looked around; he just pulled out his phone with a grimace. There was one new text.

**_[Congratulations on rescuing your brother from the sinister clutches of belly dancers. We leave a week from tomorrow. Make sure you have a bathing suit, ne?]_ **

"I think he's serious," he said.


	4. Travel Planning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Travel planning.

The mosquito-drone sounded from his pocket again the next morning.

"That's the most annoying ringtone I've ever heard," said Tom. "I don't even have to ask who it's for. Where'd you get it?"

"One of those kids who hangs out with Kadota sent it to me." There wasn't any point in trying to ignore it, so he looked at the screen.

_**[I need your passport, bring it to my office tonight. ]** _

Shizuo growled and typed back, _[What the hell do you need that for, and why would I give it to you if I had one?]_

"This has something to do with yesterday, doesn't it?"

"Yeah," Shizuo sighed. "About that..."

* * *

 

Five minutes later, neither of his conversations was going very well.

_**[Because scheduling is complicated. Don't worry your pretty little blond head about it, Shizu-chan, just do what you're told. Go to this address today and pay the rush fees.]** _

"He says you're getting on the boat in Busan?! That's in South Korea! Oh man, you're going to end up doing hard labor in Pyongyang."

_**[And don't maim anyone while you're waiting in line, it will just delay the paperwork.]** _

"I really don't think you should do this, Shizuo."

"I know."

_**[Also, try to get some warm-weather clothes. And at least one nice outfit that's not a bartender uniform. Technically I guess they do fit the dining room dress code, but it'll be weird if the other passengers keep mistaking you for the staff.]** _

"Maybe your brother could get you a job outside of the country for a little while? I know how you feel about asking him for anything, but he'd probably be glad to - "

"I _know,_ senpai."

 _ **[Because you got fired before you really learned how to mix drinks well, didn't you? Hey, what's the longest you've ever held-**_ ]

"I KNOW!" Shizuo yelled at his phone, and threw it at Tom's head. Fortunately they had this particular routine down smooth with practice; Tom caught the phone and turned it off while Shizuo kicked a nearby vending machine repeatedly.

"Sorry about that," Tom said. "I'm just worried about you, that's all."

"I'm sorry to cause you so much trouble." The vending machine lay on its side, bleeding grape juice and beeping faintly; pulling open the front with one hand, Shizuo looked over the contents. He selected a strawberry milk and an apple drink and handed them across to Tom as a peace offering.

"Think about it this way," he said as he fished in his pockets for change. "I knew what was getting into when I made the deal with that louse. If I cheat him by running away, I'm no better than he is. I couldn't live with myself like that."

"Yeah, I suppose," Tom sighed. "Heiwajima Shizuo and running away don't fit together. It'd be like Rika Sakurai doing Shakespeare."

Shizuo counted out enough coins for two drinks and dropped them into the machine's slot. As an afterthought, he picked up a length of twisted metal from the ground nearby and used it to wedge the front case shut, to protect against thieves until someone showed up to fix it.

"I'm not sure if I should take that as a compliment or not."

"Oh, so you do know who she is, at least, huh?"

"Shut up."

They ambled down the street, sipping at their drinks.

"You haven't broken your phone in a while now. That's good, at least."

"Yeah."

"Say ... that guy doesn't think you're going to _fly_ to South Korea, does he?"

 

* * *

Orihara Izaya's office building looked just like it did the only other time he'd visited, months ago. Shizuo wished he was here to beat the shit out of the flea this time too.

He'd thought at least he might get to kick the door in, but it opened while he was still in the lobby and a woman came out. Shizuo guessed her to be about his own age, but she looked at him the way his boss's wife did, down her nose in that 'ugh-I-suppose-you're-useful-but-stay-off-my-carpets' way. "Oh, it's you. So you really came. You might as well go in, I'm leaving." She held the door open for him.

"Thanks," Shizuo said politely, ignoring her tone. As he walked past her, she asked abruptly, "Are you really going to go through with this?"

"Yeah."

"I thought Orihara was exaggerating, the way he always goes on about you, but apparently you actually are that stupid."

The familiar hot prickles of irritation went shooting up the length of Shizuo's body. If she'd been a man he would have drop-kicked her into the flea's office to announce his presence; instead he just glared at her. "Yeah, I'm an idiot and I know it. So what? Don't you have anyone you care enough about to be an idiot for their sake?"

The woman's expression stiffened. She made a dismissive "hmph" noise and stalked off. _Guess I hit a nerve._ Shizuo stayed in the doorway for a minute longer, taking deep breaths and muttering "must not kill flea. Must not kill flea." It wasn't as satisfying as his old mantra.

From the doorway, the mostly-darkened office looked kind of plain, and he wondered if Izaya had removed all the expensive furniture to prepare for his visit. And if he'd put in traps. Well, he couldn't stay here forever, and he had to admit he was curious to see what kind of a place one did Pretentious Scheming Bastard business in.

...A very large one, apparently. What he'd taken to be the whole office had just been a sort of entryway, and the _real_ office could have fit all of Russia Sushi into it including the kitchen. A whole wall of window, lots of polished wood and leather, a big-screen TV, and an entire second level around the edges of the room to hold all the bookshelves. There was probably blackmail material on half the population of Shinjuku in here.

He'd known the flea must be doing well since he was hanging out with the yakuza and not dead yet, but this was just ridiculous. Why'd he even still bother with small-scale harassment of a failure like Shizuo?

Izaya was sitting behind the largest desk, typing away at two different keyboards and grinning to himself like he'd just ruined someone's life, which he probably had. Shizuo leaned on the back of the sofa and waited for the flea to admit he was there.

Ten seconds of waiting was plenty, right? He took the pack of cigarettes out of his pocket, though he didn't bother with the lighter. 

"No smoking in here, Shizu-chan," Izaya said immediately without looking up.

He put it back. "Was that your girlfriend back there?"

Izaya laughed. "God, no. And you're not her type either, so don't bother."

"Not interested. I brought the thing. And it was expensive, so you can pay me back now."

"I suppose it would seem expensive to someone like you. Fine." Izaya handed over a thin wad of bills in return for Shizuo's new passport. He flipped it open to look at the picture and sniggered. "You look like you're threatening to punch the photographer."

"That's cause I was." Okay, now was a good time for what he'd practiced with Tom. Remember to sound casual. "Hey, Izaya-kun, I have to admit I'm impressed. You have more skills than I thought."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, when'd you get your pilot's license?"

Izaya blinked. "Pardon?"

"Well," Shizuo drawled, "it sounded like you planned for us to fly to wherever-it-was. In an airplane."

"A taxi would be a bit impractical, don't you think?" Izaya's eyebrows were raised now, and he'd stopped glancing at his computers.

"That's true. And since it must be just you and me in the plane, one of us has to be able to fly it, and it isn't me."

Confusion was a good look on the flea; his brows got all scrunched up and he stopped looking so damned superior. "And you think this because...?"

"Our agreement says I don't hafta hurt anyone unless I want to, right? So if you're telling me to get in a breakable metal box and fly thousands of feet in the air, with no smoking allowed, with _you_ , there'd better not be anyone else on board when I lose it and bash your face in."

"Mmph." Sullen and baffled was a good look on the flea, too. "Airplane flights aren't _that_ irritating, Shizu-chan, can't you even control your temper for a couple of hours when lives depend on it?" He didn't sound as though he believed the answer was yes. Which was fair, since Shizuo didn't entirely believe it either.

"Tom said they're so crowded and annoying that even normal people get into fights with the staff."

"That's mostly just the American carriers. But... though I hate to admit it, you have a point." Izaya sighed. "I'll think of something. If I thought it would work, I'd have you sedated and shipped in the baggage section."

"It wouldn't. Shinra's tried. The sedating part, I mean."

"It figures. You really are a monster. How about something calming to take with you? Does Shizu-chan have a teddy bear? Or a body pillow? Whose picture is on it?"

 _Must not kill flea._ "I can think of one thing that would help a lot, sure." _Must not kill flea._ "How about if _you_ get sedated and shipped as baggage, and I ride in first class? I think I'd be smiling the whole way."

"Very funny. In any case, we're done for tonight. I'm sure you can see yourself out."

"You know," Shizuo suggested, "if what you're after with this whole thing is plummeting to your death with my hands around your neck, we could just have a fight on Tokyo Tower. It would be cheaper -"

"Go _away_ , Shizu-chan."

 _That went pretty well, on the whole._ On the way out he contemplated the office door for a moment; it seemed a shame to leave the office intact, but he wasn't actually in a forceful mood. So he lifted the door off its hinges and left it laying sideways in the frame, just for the heck of it.

He might have promised not to kill the flea, but damned if he wasn't going to at least try and and be annoying right back at him.  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. For some reason, lengths of twisted metal on the ground are easy to come by in Ikebukuro.
> 
> 2\. Rika Sakurai is an actual Japanese porn star name; the author did not investigate further, and is not responsible for any mental trauma that may be incurred by imprudent use of google.


	5. Now Boarding Our Class A(nnoying) Passengers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter is better than no chapter, right?

He'd seen airports in movies and TV shows before, of course, and the terminal at Narita wasn't any more crowded or confusing than the Ikebukuro train station. But it would have been nice to have a ticket or a flight number...or an airline name...or any kind of a clue at all here. Shizuo wedged himself into a semi-quiet corner with his duffle at his feet and looked nervously around for any signs of a staged security incident that might be about to be blamed on him.

Cops didn't scare him, of course. But he'd heard some hardcore stories about airport security and tasers, and the security guys probably hadn't heard the stories about _him_.

"Excuse me, Heiwajima-san, yes? I'm so glad I found you, I hope you weren't waiting long!"

The old lady peering up at him looked about as far from hardcore as it was possible to get. She adjusted her glasses, held up a piece of paper with what looked like a large-size printout of his passport, and nodded decisively. "That's you, all right. You look so much nicer than in your photo, dear! The official ones always come out so badly, don't they, this one makes it look like you're threatening to punch someone."

"Uh, yeah," he agreed weakly. "So you're...here to meet me, I guess, then?"

"Of course!" She beamed at him. "Now pick up your bag and come with me, dear, and don't worry about a thing, I have all your documents and we'll get you on that plane safe and sound. And if you should start to feel upset or confused about anything, you just let me know, all right?"

"Oookay." He let her take his arm and lead him into the crowd, feeling distinctly confused but not at all inclined to let her know about it. _Plan Flea is even weirder than I thought..._

 

* * *

 

"...they are cute, yeah, I wouldn't mind having a cat around. But I'm afraid I'd step on it or something, and my landlord doesn't like pets." They were approaching what she assured him was the right gate, and nothing bad had happened yet. This was making Shizuo nervous, which in turn made Tomoe-san talk even more brightly and pat his hand.

He needed another topic of conversation. Old people were always showing off pictures of their kids and grandkids, weren't they? "So your granddaughter's in middle school, huh? You got any pictures of her?" _No, wait, that sounds perverted._ "Agh, no, forget that, I mean, um, I bet she's really smart."

"Oh, she is!" Tomoe-san perked up still more and told him a long story about a spelling bee or something, with pauses to guide him into the right line and ask if he needed the restroom and admonish him to take good care of his feet because young people never realize how important that is. It was kind of soothing, listening to her burble on and not be afraid of him. Shizuo would have liked it if his grandmother had felt safe enough to burble at him -

"I'll take it from here, Tomoe-san, thank you so much for looking after him. You did a wonderful job, he's not even twitching!"

He twitched. _Must not kill flea in front of nice old lady..._

"Well, not much, anyway."

Without the smirk, Izaya's face looked younger. You could take him for the sort of nice boy-next-door who would shovel out your driveway without being asked, the kind who got invited in for cookies instead of chased off the lawn. Tomoe-san's face lit up for him in an entirely different way than it had for Shizuo.

"Orihara-san! It's always so nice to see you, and of course I'm always happy to help out. How are your sisters?" Shizuo stood there dumbly as she handed over his documents, made plans with Izaya to have lunch sometime and catch up, patted his arm and told him to hang in there and keep taking his meds. Then she walked away.

Izaya stretched like a cat, unselfconsciously turning around in place, and smirked at him. "Well, our plane is boarding, Shizu-chan, shall we go? They won't let you carry on that big duffle bag, you know, you'll have to check it. I suppose reading the rules would have been too much to expect from you."

"I hate you," Shizuo told him. "What the hell did you tell her was wrong with me?"

"Nothing that isn't basically true, except the part about there being any kind of medical treatment. Shizu-chan's a monster and will always be one. But it would have made her sad to tell her that, ne? Come on."

 

* * *

 

They were the last passengers to reach the boarding counter. Shizuo felt bad for the two attendants who had to scuttle off with his duffle bag, both of them bent nearly double under the weight. He would've tried to insist on carrying it for them if Izaya hadn't stomped on his foot.

To enter the plane itself he had to stoop down uncomfortably low; almost at once he realized he wouldn't be able to straighten up again anywhere inside. The long narrow aisle stretched out ahead of him like a gauntlet lined on both sides with pointy elbows belonging to zoned-out people. Shizuo's heart sank as he looked in vain for empty seats. This was going to suck. _Is it too late to go back and be mistaken for a terrorist?_

But he'd barely taken two steps when Izaya grabbed his elbow. "Where are you going? Are you completely illiterate, then? Our tickets say row 1. Get in there and sit down."

He'd never even been allowed to see his damn ticket, but it wasn't worth trying to argue; Shizuo sat. And blinked. These seats were larger and softer than the ones he'd seen in the gauntlet, and there was almost enough legroom. A little TV dangled before each of them without getting in the way. "First class, flea? This your idea of a bribe to keep me calm?"

"No, this is for _me_." Izaya wriggled down in his own seat with a satisfied sigh. "Despite your little attempt at a threat display the other night, there's no need to bribe you to behave in this situation. In fact, I could've had you stuffed into economy class and you still would've controlled yourself."

Somehow, when it was Izaya talking, both the idea that he could control his temper and that he couldn't were equally insulting. "And why is that, hah? Because I'm feeling a certain temptation to snap your neck like a chicken's right now." It would be so easy, too, which is why it was kind of a mystery that he'd never managed to do it over the years.

"Because - hello there, and what's your name?"

The attendant standing in the aisle next to Izaya bowed and gave them a shy smile. "Um, I'm very sorry to interrupt! My name is Aiko, and I just wanted to let you know that we'll be leaving the terminal in a few minutes, and normally we can't provide beverage service to passengers until we reach cruising altitude, but if _you_ wanted something quick before liftoff, sirs, just let me know and I'll do my best!"

She looked so cute and hopeful, even though it was probably an act she put on for all the first-class customers. But Izaya just said "Oh no thank you," dismissively, and turned back to smile at him instead. "Because Aiko, Shizu-chan. And the other attendants. Because the four hundred-odd other people on this plane aren't all men. Because as fierce as you act most of the time, you turn into a little boy hoping for approval when you're around women and children. Did I ever tell you that's one of the things I hate about you?"

Aiko had disappeared, which was too bad because Shizuo's mouth felt dry and he would have liked a drink to distract himself from the urge to smash the flea's pretty cheekbones in. "That's why you sent Tomoe-san as a guide, I get it. It's just good manners to be polite to old ladies, you know. Some of us had parents who raised us right."

For just an instant, he thought he saw Izaya flinch back. Then his eyes narrowed. "You're not any more successful at being a monster than at anything else in your life, are you? A sentimental monster who tries to have a human conscience, but hurts people anyway. The worst kind of combination. It's entertaining to watch, but also kind of pathetic, you know?"

He knew. He did know. And there probably wasn't a damn thing he could do right now that Izaya wouldn't already have a plan for. So he shrugged, and said, "Well, you wanted me here," in the most bored voice he could manage, and turned away to look out the little window. He'd always thought it sounded nice to watch the ground from a plane. Maybe there'd be one good thing about today after all.

Part of fighting was not letting the other guy know he'd scored a major hit. It was a lesson he rarely ever needed to remember, except against Izaya.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That...was not how my light and fluffy little airport chapter was supposed to go. Huh.


	6. In-Flight Entertainment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The plane ride. (FFS, you two, how long is it going to take to get you on the actual boat? Apologies for the slow pace, the characters had a lot more to say than I anticipated.)

  
Watching from the plane window was awesome.

First getting to see all around as the plane taxied down the runway. Then the swoop-rush of takeoff, which reminded him of when he was a kid and liked to do a running leap onto a moving truck and ride on the back for a few miles. All the districts of Tokyo spread out below him, Ikebukuro and Shinjuku and Shibuya - was that a _soccer field_ on top of a building there? - and Tokyo Tower, and Fuji resting on the horizon like a painting. When they climbed too high to see the buildings, Fuji was still there, and then landscapes of fluffy white clouds with arches and pillars. Shizuo kept his nose pressed to the glass and ignored the flea's snide comments about dogs on car trips. It was almost worth the aggravation of the trip so far.

Eventually the view thinned out to grey wispy clouds like smoke, and he finally sat back and looked around. Izaya had the little table in front of him folded out, and was nibbling on rice crackers and sipping some kind of mixed drink and watching a movie. Most of the passengers behind them seemed to have food and drinks too, he couldn't help but notice, and Aiko was nowhere to be seen.

"You made me miss the food, didn't you."

"Hmm?" Izaya didn't look away from the screen. "You were lost in your own little world when the snacks came around. I called your name but you didn't hear."

"I don't believe you." He'd been too stressed to eat breakfast and his stomach was reminding him of that now. He made a grab for the packet of crackers, but Izaya's reflexes were too fast and they disappeared into a fleapocket. "Do we get a real meal?"

"No, we're landing in another hour or so. Hush, Shizu-chan, this movie is actually interesting."

For lack of other options he leaned over Izaya's shoulder and watched too. The woman on the screen was sketching some kind of stick figure valentine on a piece of paper, though the expression on her face didn't match the sweet drawing. After finishing it she placed it under a bed with one corner sticking out, and left the room.

"Not bad," remarked Izaya. "A bit crude and low-effort, but then she only needs it to work for a little while."

"Huh." Shizuo watched as a young man found the piece of paper and looked it over happily. "Since you like it, it must be some kind of evil plan. What's she doing to that guy?"

"Oh, she chose him as a combined minion and sextoy for this scheme she's running. He's turned out to have stubborn romantic delusions, which she can't be bothered to indulge, so she planted evidence of her 'hidden feelings' to keep him content. From now on he'll interpret her coldness as being tsundere. Probably right up until she betrays him, since he seems to have about the IQ of mold."

"So...if she's the villain, who's the hero?"

"Ssh."

They watched the movie. A hero failed to show up. Another attendant came by to collect cups, and Shizuo took the chance to request milk and a candy bar. ("Are you going to be able to eat in the dining room, Shizu-chan? They don't serve kids' meals, this is an adults-only cruise.") Rather than watch the fate of the young man, he went back to looking out the window.

The descent into Busan was fun, with the whoosh-thump of landing and the sound of the brakes trying their hardest to stop the plane before it smacked into the terminal. Unfortunately, after that the captain announced an 'indefinite delay' which meant everyone sat around waiting for the plane door to open. And sat. And sat.

If he'd been in one of the regular seats, Shizuo calculated, he would've lost his temper and ripped one of the emergency exits open after fifteen minutes at most. (He was fairly sure the other passengers would've thanked him.) As it was, this seemed like a great time to take a nap. There were only two problems.

One, the flea was right next to him, so he couldn't relax enough to drift off. (Oh, hell, were they supposed to share a room on this stupid trip?)

Two, even though Izaya had pulled out his laptop 'to get some work done', he wouldn't shut up. He made little snickers and giggling noises to himself and remarked on things without explaining them, not that Shizuo actually wanted to know.

"Hmm-hmm, that's interesting."

...

"Hey Shizu-chan, you must have made a good impression on Namie. I think she likes you."

...

"Damn, I just thought of something but it's too late now. If I'd done work instead of watching the movie, I could've made my own version of the Mile High Club."

...

"To score, you fuck someone over while at least a mile in the air. What do you think, should I start a tumblr?"

...

"...So when we get on the ship, do you want to try the nude jello wrestling or the eating peculiar things contest first?"

Izaya elbowed him sharply in the ribs. "You're not even listening, Shizu-chan."

"Oh, I can hear you, I just wish I couldn't." He wanted a cigarette. How much longer were they going to have to sit here?

"You're so boring. Stuck on a plane with a protozoan." Somewhere behind them, a small child started to wail. "Do you think Hell is like this? Would Sartre have set 'No Exit' on an airplane if he'd written it today? Never mind, I'm asking the wrong person for literary discussion, aren't I."

"How come you didn't you bring someone smarter along, then?" Shizuo sighed. He'd meant to sound bored and sarcastic, but the question came out sounding more frustrated and curious.

Silence. He looked over and saw Izaya looking back with the same pleased mad-scientist grin from the other day. "You finally asked, Shizu-chan. I'm impressed by how long you held out."

He snorted. "Didn't ask because I knew you wouldn't tell me the answer."

"Of course not. What fun would that be? But I am curious about your theories so far. Tell me, what's the - "

The chime of the intercom interrupted him. "Our deepest apologies for the inconvenience; we've finally been cleared to dock at the terminal, and the door will be opening shortly. Please refrain from..."

"Oh thank the gods," said Izaya, promptly shutting his laptop and standing up despite the seat belt warning.

_No kidding._

* * *

 

Of course he knew the flea would ask again. But Shizuo had a little time to think about it, at least: all the way down to the luggage carousel where Shizuo's duffle and Izaya's set of matching expensive leather luggage with its little carry-cart popped out of a hole onto the conveyer belt. And then out to the curb, where a uniformed driver met them and packed it all into the trunk of a black limousine.

It wasn't until they were stuck in downtown traffic that Izaya nudged him in the ribs. "So what do you think awaits you on the boat? What's your worst fear? Tell meee."

Shizuo sighed dramatically. "I figure we'll get on board," he lied, "and somebody on staff will hand me a wig and a dress and tell me I've been hired as a Marilyn Monroe impersonator for the trip." That idea had actually been Shinra's. He did feel bad for lying, even to the flea, but self-preservation won out. 

It worked; Izaya cackled delightedly and made threats to arrange it all the way until they reached the docks. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The in-flight movie is "The Last Seduction" (1994).


	7. Embarking Up the Wrong Tree

 

"...Huh. That is a really big boat."

"Impressive as always, Shizu-chan. You can grasp street signs _and_ the obvious."

"Shut up. It's bigger than you thought it would be, too."

"What makes you think that?" Izaya skipped up the gangplank, leaving Shizuo to tow his luggage. "I think we're near the stern. One of the high up ones with balconies."

It was good to hear there was a balcony, but Shizuo kept walking slowly anyway, savoring the sting of nicotine in his lungs. He hadn't had to go so long without a cigarette in a while. "'Cause you would have laughed at me the other day when I said I'd sink the boat."

A silent flea for the rest of the trip up to the entrance was both a nice thing in itself and, Shizuo suspected, an admission that he was right. Izaya didn't say anything until they were nearly inside, when he stopped, tilted his head to look up, and murmured, "And yet to think a single iceberg took one of these things out. Nature is even mightier than monsters."

"Huh. Didn't think you were into nature."

"I used to be, once." Izaya shook his head as if to clear thoughts out of it, and smirked cheerfully at Shizuo. "But then I got fascinated with humans. Just think how boring your life would be if I hadn't!"

 _Must not punt flea into harbor._ True, he could claim afterwards that Izaya hadn't specifically told him not to... But a guy in some kind of vaguely military-looking uniform was stepping forward with his hand outstretched, smiling too broadly, and the moment passed.

"Welcome! Orihara-san and Heiwajima-san, yes? Welcome aboard the _Summer Triangle_! We're very pleased to have you on this cruise with us. It's one of our particular goals to make the 'Preview of Paradise' cruise experience enjoyable for nontraditional couples such as yourselves. Please do let us-"

Shizuo missed hearing the rest because he was doubled over coughing. Dimly he was aware that he'd spat out his cigarette, that someone was thumping him between the shoulder blades, and that the flea's annoying voice was saying something. If he could only catch his breath, he'd remember why he should be angry.

"It's just smoker's cough. See, this is why I said you should cut back, dear."

_Oh, right._

"Who are you calling - ", he started, only to be shocked silent again when Izaya tapped him on the nose. Ah-ah, said his warning glance, before he turned back to chatter at the ship guy some more.

He hadn't thought Izaya would want to play along with the stupid romance theme. Not his usual style of prank - unlike the forged love letter in his locker or the green dye added to the bleach at the hairdresser's, this one was going to embarrass himself just as much as Shizuo.  


* * *

 

Inside, the ship reminded him a lot of the shopping mall, all huge spaces and corridors lined with shops. The flea's stuff in one hand and his duffle on the other shoulder made it a little awkward to push through the crowds. And these people seemed to have no sense of the importance of traffic flow. If one more person stopped right in front of him for no reason and stood around like an idiot...

Izaya touched his hand, startling him mid-snarl. "Morons, aren't they? Any pickpocket from home could make a fortune in this crowd. We're almost to the elevators, I'll take this." He tugged at the handle of his luggage, and Shizuo let it go in surprise.

_Did he just try to help me keep my temper? That's the weirdest thing that's happened so far._

* * *

 

The room was big and fancy and decorated in green and beige. Balcony: check. Sofa: comfy-looking but too short for him to sleep on. Snacks: bottle of champagne and little basket of chocolates on the coffee table. Bed: large but singular. As in, there was only one of it.

"Our own hot tub, even!" Izaya reported, hopping out of the bathroom and onto the bed like the flea he was. He blinked up at Shizuo in obviously faked innocence. "What's wrong, Shizu-chan? You can put down your things and take your shoes off, you know. It's only civilized behavior."

He let the duffle drop to the ground with a thump, folded his arms, and glared back. "So where am I sleeping, huh?"

"I don't care, do you want the right side or the left?" Izaya lay down on his back and stretched out his arms, trying to touch both sides of the bed at once; he couldn't quite do it.

"I-za-ya..."

"What?" The flea was still giving him that wide-eyed innocent look, but with a sharper attention behind it now. "You don't want to sleep next to me? Are you scared of getting boy cooties, Shizu-chan?"

"Nah, only flea germs. There's no way in hell you'd want to sleep next to me, any more than I'd ever fall asleep next to you, so just tell me what your stupid evil plan is already. I'm tired of trying to guess."

Izaya just smirked. "Unfortunately for you, this is in fact part of my evil plan. You're being forced to live in the lap of luxury and sleep in a soft bed. Really, I don't know what you're complaining about. Of the two of us, you're far more likely to snore."

 _Must not kill fl_ \- fuck it, he was retiring that mantra as useless. Shizuo stomped into the bathroom to answer Celty's texts in privacy.

 

* * *

 

**_[Yeah, we're on the boat, I'm okay. But I don't think I can do this. I'm gonna kill him.]_ **

_[What did he do this time?]_

**_[I don't want to talk about it.]_ **

_[Well, everything's quiet here so far. We'll keep our ears open.]_

**_[Thanks.]_ **

_[Shinra had some advice for you. I hit him.]_

**_[Thanks.]_ **

"Dinner's in an hour, Shizu-chan! Are you doing your hair and makeup in there?"

**_[I gotta go kill him now. Later.]_ **

 

* * *

 

"That looks a lot like your bartender outfit."

"Yeah?"

"But I know it can't be, because of our agreement, ne?"

"Isn't."

"What's the differe- oh. All right, that sort of works. A suit jacket really does make a difference, doesn't it."

"That's what Tom said."

"Grey is actually a good color for you, surprisingly. You just need to lose the bowtie and open the collar - here, let me."

"H-hell no! Get away, I can do it. Just go worry about your own clothes, flea." _What the hell?_

Izaya made a face at him but didn't say anything, turning to pull things out of his own suitcases.

_Seriously, what is with him?_

* * *

 

It felt like they were walking through a palace, down the long corridor with red velvety carpet and chandeliers and tall bronze murals along both sides. The dining hall doors stood open at the far end and a waiter stood at each side looking expectant.

But Izaya seemed to be in no hurry. He kept stopping to look at the murals and comment. "It looks like there's one to represent each continent. There's South America, with the temple things, and I think that's supposed to be the Nazca lines."

"Whatever. Let's go, they're waiting on us."

"They're waiting on everyone, Shizu-chan. That's their job, you can tell by the way 'wait' is in the job title." He moved on to stand before the North American mural, hands in the pockets of his own suit jacket. Shizuo was fairly sure the outfit he was wearing had been custom-tailored and cost more than a month's rent at his own apartment. It looked unfairly good on him.

"What's so funny?"

Izaya was laughing now, head thrown back. "That's brilliant! Look!"

He looked at the panel. Cowboys, a Native American with feathered headdress, the Statue of Liberty, a football player...yeah, looked like the US. "I don't see anything special."

"You don't see it? Well, I shouldn't expect a protozoan to be observant. Oh, my humans..." Still chuckling, Izaya finally headed towards the doors.

Shizuo looked behind him as he followed, but still didn't see anything. This was turning out to be the second weirdest day of his life. He only hoped no cursed blades showed up at dinner so that it stayed that way.

 


	8. Dinner With Izaya = Valkyries, Victuals and Venom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops. I liked the idea of leaving the story unrated so as not to give too much away, but lately I've realized that isn't fair to readers who care a lot about the rating. Sorry! If you are looking for a smut-free Shizaya experience, this is...probably not going to be it.

By the time the appetizers arrived Shizuo was tempted to reconsider. If all the waiters' eyes started glowing red, at least he would have something to do.

As it was, he was the most useless person in the entire room. The others at their table - two women from Taiwan and two men from Germany, he got that much, plus one flea - were chattering away happily. In English. Shizuo had nothing to do but sit silent and look around.

To be fair, he wasn't much of a talker and there was plenty to see. The dining room was done up very differently on the inside: plain wood tables and chairs, golden shields and lights made to look like torches along the walls, and a big hologram fireplace in the middle of the room. The pattern on the carpet was probably supposed to look like heaped-up straw. At one end of the room was an extra-big table - probably once the meal got going a couple in king and queen costumes would show up there and make speeches.

Now and then one of the others would try to catch his eye, looking concerned; he just nodded back and hoped it came across as "Don't worry, you can ignore me." Izaya had probably told them all about his abysmal scores in English class.

He didn't like being useless. It gave him too much time to think.

 _So, okay. I wasn't imagining it. That was definitely flirting he was doing, back there when we were getting dressed._ Surprisingly harmless, as flea-stratagems went; it was embarrassing, sure, but nowhere near as much as some of the other situations Izaya had landed him in. _Maybe he thinks I'm going to freak out and run away? Or start questioning my sexuality or something?_ Should he keep letting himself be flustered, or refuse to play along and take the risk that the next game would be nastier?

Tall double doors opened and a double column of - angels? - women with wings, anyway - marched in, each carrying a big golden cup in both hands. Behind them were dozens of more normal-looking waiters carrying platters of food. About time; his stomach was reminding him he'd only fed it a candy bar and frustration all day.

The angel-waitress assigned to their table was nearly as tall as he was, with lots of little blonde braids trailing down past her wings. Each of them got a smile and some wine from her gold cup (and now he got why the place settings had three wineglasses each), and when it was Shizuo's turn she bent down to whisper in his ear.

"If you need to get away from him for a bit, just order a 'Blue Sunset' from any waiter. Everyone on staff knows that code."

"Okay, um, thanks." Was that a proposition? She moved on to Izaya, who gave her a smile like one of his knives, small and quick. No surprise she didn't linger there. But she didn't say anything to any of the others either.

And of course, the moment she walked off -

"Why, Shizu-chan, you seem to have a fan. A very bold one, to flirt with you in front of me."

"She was just recommending a cocktail."

"But only to you. Are you hoping for a date now?" Izaya's head was tilted to the side, propped up by a hand, and his eyes were bright with amused malice. All four of their tablemates were watching them. Shizuo really hoped none of them understood Japanese.

"No," he said truthfully. "The last time I had a date" - okay, the only time - "you bribed the waiter to say my card was rejected."

Izaya laughed out loud. "I did? Do you blame everything bad that happens in your life on me?"

"Yeah. I'm usually right, too."

"You're always thinking of me, then. How romantic!" His voice was practically a purr as he lifted his wineglass. "Try the wine, Shizu-chan, and let's toast to us."

It was a direct order. _One glass, flea, then I'm putting my foot down._ He took a sip. "What is this stuff? It's really...sweet."

Izaya was making a face at his own glass, and the women sitting across from them looked like they were trying not to laugh. One of them said something in in English and then held up her thumb and forefinger pressed together. She moved them back and forth unevenly and said "bzzz, bzzz?"

"Bees?" Shizuo tried. "Bees...honey wine?"

"Oh!" said Izaya. "It's mead. Thematically appropriate, I suppose." He said something in English to the others, and Shizuo could at least pick out "Valhalla" and "Valkyries" from the conversation that followed. Okay, that made sense. He knew from movies and games that Valkyries were like battle angels, and Valhalla was the hot party spot for dead Norse heroes. _Never heard anything about it being romantic, though..._

A loud thumping from the middle of the room interrupted his thoughts. The king and queen cosplayers were standing at the head table, the queen holding a big golden cup of her own. Speeches were made. Everyone applauded. He took the chance to investigate all the food that had arrived along with the mead: smoked fish, breads, creamy spreadable stuff, crisp vegetables, oysters and mussels. Not bad.

His mouth was full of salmon when Izaya poked him in the ribs. "Mmphwht?"

"Pick up your glass, idiot! Pay attention."

The speeches were still going on, but now everyone in the room had their glasses raised. The king said something triumphant as he borrowed his queen's gold cup and took a swig. Murmurs filled the air as everyone else made their own toasts.

Izaya's glass clinked his. "Kanpai, Shizu-chan. May you one day realize your full monstrous potential." He was smiling sweetly, no doubt imagining rubble and bodies.

Shizuo took a deep breath and leaned in close, watched Izaya's eyes widen slightly. "Someday," he murmured, "you're going to get exactly what you deserve. I hope I'm there to watch." Then he sat back upright, smiled, and gulped down half the sweet wine in his glass, remembering just in time not to clench his hand.

 _That went okay._ Not great; he'd thought about staying close a little longer and maybe staring at the flea's mouth, but he hadn't had the nerve. And Izaya was looking...thoughtful. Thoughtful was not good.

How was he supposed to act unpredictably when the pest doing the predicting was twice as smart as him?

"And who had the filet mignon this evening?" The voice came from directly behind him, and then he _did_ clench his fist and there went the glass. Shizuo sighed.

"Filet mignon over here," Izaya's voice rose cheerfully over the apologetic fussing of the waiters. "I ordered it for you, Shizu-chan, figured you'd like a big piece of meat. You're so predictable."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Shizuo's imagination version)
> 
> Shizuo took a deep breath and leaned in close, watched Izaya's eyes widen slightly. "Someday," he murmured, "you're going to get exactly what you deserve. I hope I'm there to watch." He let his eyes drop slightly, stared at lips until he saw them tighten the tiniest bit, saw the pale throat swallow nervously. Then he sat back nonchalantly, raised his glass in the smallest of salutes, and drank. 
> 
> (Izaya's imagination version)
> 
> "...Shizu-chan, are you staring at my nose? It's hard to tell. If you're planning on watching me this way until I get what I deserve, it could get awkward."


	9. After-dinner Hints

"I did _not_."

"You said that already."

"But you don't believe me," Izaya whined. "Just because I lie all the time, you won't believe me when-" He stumbled and grabbed for Shizuo's shoulder.

"Seems that way." The wind out here on the deck was pleasantly strong and blew mist in their faces every few minutes. It would've been nice to just stand at the rail and smoke for a while, but Izaya insisted on going to see the front of the ship.

Who would have thought the flea was such a lightweight? It had to be a terrible handicap for an information broker. They'd each had a glass of the honey wine stuff, and some red wine which supposedly went with the entrees (he would've preferred a milkshake, but the angel-waitress just laughed at him when he asked). And that was it. Shizuo hauled Izaya upright yet again, not bothering to push him away this time.

"But," Izaya resumed after another few yards of progress towards the bow, "I have an excellent reason. Even a protozoan like you can't argue with it."

"Is that so." For that matter, he must be suspiciously relaxed himself, not to mind the playfully grabbing hands that could at any moment have a knife in them. But what the hell. He'd just had a seriously good piece of cheesecake, nothing horrible had happened in the last few hours, and if the flea stabbed him and pushed him overboard then - he'd just deal with it. Sharks went away if you punched them in the snout, didn't they? He was pretty sure he'd seen that in a nature documentary once.

"Shizu-chan, you're not _listening_." Izaya was pushing him now, but not towards the ocean; Shizuo let himself be backed up against the wall.

"Were you like this as a little kid?" he asked abruptly.

"...What?"

"You're acting about five years old right now, it's really weird." He almost laughed as the exaggerated pout on Izaya's face vanished instantly, to be replaced by a familiar annoyed glare. "How'd you grow up to be so horrible?"

And _there_ was the knife. Up against his neck, digging in a little bit. "You're not cooperating, Shizu-chan," chided Izaya, breath hot on his ear and voice suddenly sounding a lot more steady. "Didn't we have an agreement?"

 _What the hell? He really_ is _behaving like a little kid. Play-acting at being drunk and sulking when I don't follow his script? What for?_

He should probably be a bit concerned about the knife - his body could withstand a lot, but maybe not a cut throat - but far more worrisome was the thought, _It's cute_.

He cleared his throat. "Uh, okay. So what is this excellent reason?"

"I'm so glad you asked," purred Izaya in his ear, as the knife retreated. "The reason I didn't wreck your date back then is that I didn't know about it. I had no idea you'd ever managed to have a real date. Did you get a kiss?"

Ugh, he knew where this line of questioning was going. "Nah."

"So have you ever, then? Been kissed?"

"Yeah. Why the hell do you care?"

"All part of studying humanity, Shizu-chan. I want to know what kind of person would kiss a monster, and - oh fuck it." Shizuo only had time to think _no way_ before thin soft lips pressed against his mouth.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The first time was in middle school. Not everyone had learned to be afraid of him yet, and some girl in his class had decided she liked him and left a love confession in his locker. He brought her the note, intending to turn her down politely but too embarrassed to really get the words out, and then suddenly she was up on tiptoe kissing him.

He didn't remember the kiss itself anymore, really, just the sinking moment afterward when he realized how bad it could have been if he'd reacted by pushing her away rather than freezing in shock. He'd said something or other to make her go away and that was that.

His second kiss had been at work. Debt collectors got all kinds of offers, of course; an unspoken part of his job was to never leave Tom alone with any would-be temptresses. Only one debtor so far had tried throwing herself at Shizuo. That one was actually a good memory. Not the kiss itself, yuck, but the hilarious angry squawking noises she'd made afterward while he held her (carefully and decorously) suspended in the air by her ankles and Tom went through her purse.

Neither of those memories included strange uneven thumping in his chest, or the thought _huh, soft_ or not being able to tell how long it was before Izaya pulled away. He stared at the flea, who stared back, and frowned, and fidgeted, and finally said, "You look like an idiot standing there. Not going to try and punch me?"

It was a good question. Why wasn't he mad? _Oh._

What got the rage engine started in his heart, nine times out of ten, was people doing mean stupid shit for no good reason. If he could see the other person's point of view he could usually keep his head even in a fight. And now, for the first time in all these years, he could apply actual logic to Izaya's behavior.

He grinned at the flea, enjoying the confused expression that caused. "You don't do things you dislike, much. Cause you're a self-indulgent little shit."

Izaya didn't bother to deny that. "So?"

"So besides whatever scheme you've got going on, you wanted to kiss me, or you wouldn't have done it." He paused as the events of the last week fell into place. "Or maybe there is no other scheme going on. This whole trip thing... you want to have sex with me, don't you?" _Holy shit._ He was not going to be able to tell Celty about this.

"Anyone else would have figured it out sooner, but you're remarkably dense." Izaya had shoved his hands into his pockets, making his expensive suit all slouchy. After staring back for another few moments, he pulled a phone out of one of them and focused on it intently.

"Actually," Shizuo continued, feeling like lightbulbs of understanding were coming on inside his head, "you've wanted to do that for a while, haven't you. Simon tried to tell me years ago and I thought the idea was nuts, but he was right. You keep messing with me so I'll pay attention to you and chase you around the city."

"Did he now," muttered Izaya, scrolling through something on his phone. The tips of his ears were turning pink.

"I-za-ya-kun," he drew the mocking sing-song syllables out with immense satisfaction, "haven't you ever heard of just asking for a date? Maybe sending flowers?"

He didn't even have time to blink. There was blood on his nice new jacket and his head was shoved back against the wall and Izaya was right up in his face again, lips snarling instead of soft. _Hit a nerve there, huh?_

"Don't get any stupid ideas, monster. This is _not_ romantic. It's an experiment. We're on this boat instead of at home so that afterwards we can go back to our lives and it will have never happened. Monsters aren't meant to have relationships with humans, no matter how our mutual friend deludes himself." Izaya sneered. There were a lot of responses Shizuo could make to that. But he was pretty sure keeping his mouth shut would annoy the flea more than any of them.

And he was right, too. Izaya shifted the grip on his hair, looked irritated, wiggled the knife he'd stuck into his shoulder. Shizuo made sure to keep his expression blank. The awkward silence stretched out.

"Well?" Izaya burst out finally. "What are you going to do?"

"I don't know," he said, truthfully. "Haven't thought about it enough yet. Nothing tonight, anyway."

Before the flea could say anything else, he reached around with his other arm and pulled the knife out of his shoulder, careful not to break anyone's fingers in the process. Then he threw it, in a long arc that took it far away from the ship.

"Hey!"

"Shut up, you've got half a dozen more here. Look, flea...this has been the weirdest day of my life, and maybe the longest. Let's just go back to the room and sleep. No fighting, no anything else, just sleep, okay? We can talk about it in the morning."

Izaya had let go of him and stood back, looking somewhere between outraged and sullen. "...Fine."

 

* * *

 

 

There were two texts on his phone asking if he was okay, one from Celty and one from Tom. Shizuo told himself he'd answer them in the morning. He set the bloodstains to soak in cold water - the jacket said dry clean only, but it would just have to deal - and wearily stripped off his pants and socks. The wound in his shoulder had closed over already; he stuck a bandaid on it so it wouldn't get blood on the sheets.

When he finally came out of the bathroom the lights were off. Izaya was a small huddle facing away on the far side of the bed. Good, because he had no idea how to deal with this situation. Soft sheets, too-soft pillows... he was too tired to care. Sleep was a rising tide overtaking him fast.

_Thought I was prepared for anything on this trip. That'll sure teach me..._


	10. Day Two: At Sea

_Tonight the lights of the famous Ikebukuro entertainment district aren't neon but fire, as gang warfare on an unprecedented scale engulfs the area. For more details let's talk with our correspondent on the scene..._

_Nobody knows what happened to touch off this chaos, or how to calm it. Ordinary citizens are hiding in their homes as rioters and looters destroy shops and businesses. Several fatalities..._

_....grenades thrown through the window of local sushi restaurant, patrons injured..._

_Fighting no good. Sushi good. We protect sushi._

_We're trying to help, and so are a lot of the Dollars, but there's just too much. They got the van. If Shizuo were here we might be able to make a stand..._

_The timing is suspicious, isn't it? I'd say it was good for business in a way, but this is just too much. I'm getting one call after another and Celty has to guard me. It's fine with me if the city falls to ruins as long as she has my back, but..._

_[Where are you? Things are really bad.]_

_Shizuo-_

When he woke, panting and sweating, he was alone in the room. Small mercies.

No new messages were on his phone. He took it with him onto the balcony and stood there watching the sea, letting the dream fade, until he'd smoked two cigarettes down to nothing. Finally he felt calm enough to text.

_**[I'm okay. How is the city?]** _

_[Everything's still calm. Are you really okay? Did you sink the boat? Are you in the brig?]_

_**[Nah. Izaya doesn't want to fight, for once.]** _

_[That's strange. Have you found out what he's after?]_

Shizuo started to type _**[No]**_ , then hesitated. Damn it. Celty had listened patiently for hours while he ranted about how much he hated Izaya, and what was his deal anyway, and what could make a person behave like that. Probably a lot of hours, over the years they'd known each other. She deserved the truth. Even if it was really fucking embarrassing.

_**[Maybe part of it at least. You know those crazy theories those friends of Kadota's have?]** _

_[You know about those???]_

_**[Hard not to, they're loud. I pretend not to hear because]**   _Typing complicated shit was just too hard. How was he supposed to type in _because if I heard them I'd get really mad, and Kadota likes them and I owe him a lot, and so I can't punch that kid into the sky, and anyway the other one's a girl so I can't punch her at all even if the stupid things she says make me want to break all her toys, and damn it I HATE THAT SHE WAS RIGHT._ He heard a faint cracking sound and hastily put the phone down before he crushed it altogether. Deep breaths.

_**[because you know.]** _

_[They are awful, aren't they? I'm sorry. I can't believe they think you and Izaya would ever-]_

Guess Celty had trouble finishing some sentences too. He sighed.

_**[Anyway. I gotta go, let me know if anything stranger than usual starts to happen.]** _

_[I promise.]_

Well. If he couldn't tell Celty, he sure as hell couldn't tell Tom. He sent a quick reassurance to his senpai instead and went in to take a long hot shower.

* * *

 

The narrow corridors outside the room were jammed with maids and their carts trying to clean; Shizuo apologized, dodged, and got directions to breakfast, one deck up. He wandered through a totally different set of hallways and stairs than yesterday, these ones carpeted in green. There were pictures of old cruise ships on the walls, with photos of famous guests. It'd be fun to explore this place if he got the chance. He hoped he wouldn't break much of it.

At the sight of the buffet, his stomach growled and sank at the same time. Trays of smoked salmon and caviar, champagne and orange juice, complicated-looking Western dishes, chefs standing by to cook anything to order... what was he even doing here? His usual breakfast was last night's leftovers mixed with rice.

"Excuse me," he said to the girl operating the griddle. "Is there anywhere cheaper to eat?"

She smiled at him apologetically. "Good morning! Waffle?" Her accent was Korean, and "good morning" proved to be the limit of her Japanese. Now he had a waffle and was still clueless.

He left the plate she gave him on a random table and leaned against the wall, nibbling the fried bread and watching the room. No cash registers. No sign of waiters, only busboys and cooks. No prices on anything and no way to pay...was all this food just free for passengers? How much was this trip costing and how many years would he be in debt if Izaya stiffed him with the bill?

Well...nothing he could do about that right now, and breakfast _was_ the most important meal of the day...

* * *

 

Naturally the first person he saw as he carried the tray out on deck was Izaya, who said "Good gods."

"What?" Shizuo admitted to himself he wasn't going to get to eat in peace and sat down at the flea's table, noting the mostly-eaten plate of familiar breakfast things. "Hey, where'd you get that stuff?"

"There's a sidebar back there with Japanese food. Even a monster can't eat that much, Shizu-chan, are you trying to develop an eating disorder? Or hoarding food? They have all this every day, you're not going to starve, you know."

"Do I?" He felt a little silly, now, looking at the amount of food on his piled-high plates. He'd just wanted to try all the new things. But the flea didn't need to know that, did he? "For all I know, you're gonna chain me to-" To the bed, he was about to say, but fuck that was a disturbing thought and he didn't want to put it in Izaya's head. "In the room," he finished lamely.

Oh no, there was that pleased pointy smile again. "Is Shizu-chan contemplating life as a sex slave?" Izaya leaned forward, elbows on the table and chin in his hands, and looked him up and down. _Ignore him. Don't -_ aw hell, he was blushing, he could feel it. Shizuo picked up a fork, stabbed the topmost thing on the pile as though it was the flea's hand, and started shoveling bites into his mouth.

He waited for some new witty remarks about his lack of table manners, or maybe his total undesirability as a sex slave. That'd be one insult he'd be glad to hear. But instead the flea just sat there and _watched_ him munch through the egg thing with the yellow cream sauce and the sweet fried pieces of bread with syrup. He didn't have to look up to know that irritating little smirk was aimed at him the whole time. It was annoying at first, and then creepy, and then finally he couldn't take it any more and threw down his fork.

"So...why haven't you?" The question had been at the back of his mind since last night, but he'd been kind of afraid to ask. Now he was starting to get pissed off enough to not care. "I didn't rule anything like that out in our agreement -" he didn't have to add _because I never would have thought of it in a million years_ \- "so you could have ordered me to do whatever."

The possibilities of "whatever" he was still trying not to think about. The gods only knew what flea kink involved, and if they did know they probably wished they didn't.

"Well, that is one of the complicated things about humans, ne? It's easy to make a human do something, but making them _want_ to do it, ah, that's more of a challenge. Human needs and desires tend to flow along channels, like a river - oh, think of it this way!" Suddenly, Izaya swept an arm across the table, narrowly missing Shizuo's breakfast and knocking all the stacked little jelly containers over. "Let's say a human's mind, that woman over there for instance, is flowing this way. She's vain and greedy, you can see by how much she's dressed up for breakfast and the skin treatments she's had. Those set up currents here and here, with these knives. And she's bickering with her husband, so we can represent the surface irritation with, hm, pass the salt, Shizu-chan."  
  
Huh. He'd seen the flea go on and on before, of course; usually he was too blind with rage to pay attention, though it always seemed like total bullshit whether or not he was listening. But he'd never seen Izaya this _relaxed_ before, that was what was different. Not half-expecting an attack at any moment, not aiming his words to hurt, just excited about an idea and wanting to share it. No wonder Shinra got along with him in spite of everything. He could picture the two of them waving their hands and geeking out about some theory, on nights when the monster of Ikebukuro was far away.

"-and of course everyone's got their little quirks and habits and neuroses." A handful of randomly scattered strawberry jam things joined the mess on the table. "Now, it'd be easy to suggest to her that she's being cheated, in her marriage or financially, since she's inclined to be dissatisfied anyway. An anonymous message here, a piece of faked evidence left out there -" Izaya nudged one of the knives a little to the left, and ran his finger through the spilled salt to trace a line "- and soon enough she'll feel justified in doing something terrible, and it will be all her own idea."

"Still your fault, flea."

"Is it? I only ever lay out the path, it's always their own choice to walk it or not. Anyway, as I was saying." He pointed at a spot where a fork and spoon nearly touched. "If I wanted to invest the time, I might be able to open a blocked channel like this. That's what Western psychotherapy is good at, under the right conditions. But! Could I make the current flow the other way? Could I make her want to give up all her possessions and dedicate her life to helping people in refugee camps, of her own free will? No. There might be supernatural abilities in the world that can do such a thing, but even if I could I wouldn't use them. Humans shouldn't be tainted in that way."

Izaya sat back. "See?"

"Uh...no. What does that even have to do with my question?" He wasn't dumb, but listening to the flea sure made him feel like it.

"It figures that my brilliant metaphor would be wasted on a protozoan." Izaya sighed dramatically, putting a hand on his heart. "All right. Let me simplify for your tiny brain. As you put it so eloquently last night, humans are self-indulgent little shits and resist doing what they really hate. I could order you to, oh, go over there and passionately kiss that woman. Ne?"  
  
Probably not a serious threat, but still -"You had better not, you louse," he growled. "I'm not part of one of your shitty metaphors."

The flea just grinned. "You find the idea revolting, right? And even if you tried your hardest to pretend otherwise - even if you possessed acting skills of any kind somewhere in your painfully straightforward little mind - she would sense it. The world is safe from you ever having a career as a gigolo, Shizu-chan. It goes too strongly against your nature."

Shizuo decided he was fed up with this whole metaphor thing. "We _hate_ each other," he said bluntly. "You framed me for murder. You got me run over by a truck and you thought it was so great you paid the driver."

"Oh, you noticed that? I thought for sure you were unconscious."

"If we - did stuff - I'd expect you to get off from me being disgusted." Looking back, it was surprising Izaya hadn't kissed him in the middle of a fight before now, just to piss him off more.

Shizuo expected to be mocked for saying "did stuff", because to be fair it was pretty lame, but the flea didn't say anything. Instead he looked down at the table, grin fading, and doodled a design in the salt. At last he said, "Well, I don't."

"You _don't_ enjoy making me miserable? Coulda fooled me."

"Not like that, anyway." Izaya kept staring at the mess on the table. "It's funny, isn't it? I can't seem to change the way my currents flow, either."

And it looked like that was all the explanation he was going to get. Shizuo tried a bite of each of the other dishes, finished off his carton of milk and a glass of water, and thought about it. It was easier to think when the flea wasn't staring at him, and easier still when he quit just sitting there and started messing with his phone like normal.

All the words and handwaving seemed to boil down to a very simple proposition. It was a relief to know he was (probably) safe from having to do anything that really grossed him out, but why couldn't the flea have come out and just said what he wanted, instead of dancing around the subject for days and blowing smoke?

 _Same reason I don't ask women out, maybe. He's afraid._ That was a weird thought. Orihara Izaya feared nothing, in his experience. Certainly he didn't seem worried about having his bones crushed by Heiwajima Shizuo, whether on purpose in a fight or accidentally in bed.

It was always sweet and soft-curved women that he thought about to get himself off, in some imaginary peaceful setting where his strength was gone or safely under control. He'd never (well, not _really_ ) fantasized about doing it with men, let alone his worst enemy. The very idea of trying to plug the flea into those daydreams made his brain hurt. But he couldn't honestly say that it sounded awful either. And he had made a bargain.

_And...he's here, and real, which none of your dream-women ever will be. Think of it like another buffet. You already promised to pay the bill, and there's all these new things to try..._

Izaya's eyes flicked up warily as he pushed their chairs closer. He held very still while Shizuo leaned forward, like someone trying not to spook a wild animal.

Kissing felt nicer with both of them participating. Shizuo felt the flea tilt his head a little bit to one side, instinctively moved the other way, and - ah, there. This he could get the hang of, with practice.

When Izaya pulled back he tried to follow - surely it hadn't been that long? - but was stopped by a gentle finger on his lips. "That was sweet, Shizu-chan."

"But kind of boring."

 _Wait_ \- he wanted to shake his head to clear it, but there was no time, Izaya was already dodging back and that wasn't a knife in his fist. That was his pack of cigarettes, being thrown through the the air and overboard.

"Tenderness doesn't really suit a monster, you know?" The table was overturned and onlookers were making the noises they usually did and the flea was running full tilt away, like he damn well better be, and he was lunging up in pursuit with fire in his veins.

"I-ZA-YA!"


	11. And For Our More Active Passengers...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter insisted on being in present tense. Each time I tried to fix that, it would lose all zing and sit there like a lump on the page. So, uh, just take it as a one-time gimmick to celebrate the story finally getting to the hot stuff. :)

The world is so bright when he's chasing Izaya.

He hates violence, he really does, he's not lying when he says that. He hates the way rage narrows his vision so that he sees only what to hit and where to move. He has to struggle to remember there are other things that matter: don't kill, don't aim into crowds, that's a cop car don't throw it, don't let the fight go on too long, don't hit a person again after they go down, _**stop** you're going too far._

But at times like this there's almost none of that. There is no _too far_ against Izaya. And there's a thought there but he lets it go without thinking it, loses himself to the chase and the joyous hammering of his heart, kill-flea, kill-flea, kill-flea. He vaults over a game being played on the deck with long sticks - the players stare up at him, mouths like round Os, too shocked to run - and grabs the edge of a lifeboat hanging from the side. Up one deck and over.

Izaya is nowhere in sight, but his flea-stink leaves a trail Shizuo could follow in his sleep. Up another deck and more this way, and the trail is fainter here but he still knows what the louse is thinking. Up rather than down, away from passenger areas. That means turn here, and now there's nowhere to go but inside. It's probably a trap. He doesn't even slow down.

One door ajar in an empty corridor. Shizuo kicks it open, lunging inside, and nearly runs smack into the opposite wall. The room is the size of a large closet and completely empty.

"Shut the door, flea," he says without looking around.

"You get faster every year, you know, Shizu-chan? Not any smarter, but faster." Izaya sounds a little out of breath, behind him. Shizuo isn't; he's breathing hard for a different reason.

_(kill-flea, kill-flea, kill-flea)_

_Must not kill flea._

_(kill-flea, kill-flea)_

_No. I promised._

_**Hurt** flea._

The little surprised squeak Izaya makes at being suddenly picked up and slammed into the wall is one of the sweetest sounds he's ever heard. Flea should know by now how fast he can turn and move, you'd think. Heh.

"Don't. Touch. My. Cigs." He snarls it, and waits for the smartass comeback. But Izaya just swallows, dangling there where Shizuo has him pinned by the arms. His throat is pale and smooth and it would be so good right now to mark it with bruises, hold him by the neck and squeeze...but no. A throat would be harder to crush by accident than a wineglass, but probably not much.

So he steps in closer, ducks his head down past the wide eyes and opening mouth and bites that soft skin instead. Hard. He'll stop when he tastes blood, he thinks vaguely, or when the flea screams. Maybe.

But the shuddering gasp Izaya lets out sounds like the absolute _opposite_ of pain, and Shizuo's startled right out of his bloodlust. He has to straighten back up and stare at the mismatch, the marks of his teeth clear and deep in Izaya's neck versus the blissful eyes-closed expression on his face. After a few moments the eyes open and Izaya wriggles a little in his grip.

"Mm, I didn't guess you as the type to have secret vampire fantasies, Shizu-chan. But I won't complain."

The flea's helpless at the moment. Waiting for him to do something, just like last night. Starting to pout a little now with impatience. He feels a savage grin tugging at the corners of his mouth. In all these years of fighting, he's never had the advantage like this - never had the upper hand at all, not once.

He knows what Izaya wants. And oh, does he obviously want.

"You like this," he says.

"Glad you're keeping - ulp!" Pushing a thigh up between his legs guarantees the flea won't be finishing that sentence. There's a bulge at the front of his jeans, and Shizuo can't resist rubbing his thigh against it to see if it's as stiff as it looks. It is.

"You get like this from our fights before, flea?"

"I ha-hate you, Shizu-chan." _That's not a 'no', is it._

"How long you wanted this? Hah?"

Izaya doesn't answer, just rubs himself back and forth on Shizuo's leg. Pretty undignified, but he doesn't seem to care; he's watching his own hips move, breath coming in little pants.

Desperate is a fucking _fantastic_ look on the flea.

So Shizuo pulls his leg away - Izaya whines and kicks - and steps in close to growl in his ear. "Tell me the truth, and I'll make you come. Lie and I'll know it, and you'll get blue balls instead." He tries to imitate the crooning voice Izaya used on him yesterday in the car. "Tell me. When was the first time you jerked off thinking about me?"

It's way too easy to avoid the bites, kicks and spitting he gets in response. If he had a hand free he'd pat the flea's head. Instead he just laughs and presses a kiss to his ear. "Hey, I'm not tired. You want to stay like this till dinnertime?"

He half expects they'll be doing just that. But Izaya turns his head almost at once, eyes closed, and whispers the answer like an angry kiss against his mouth.

"The first day I saw you. That what you wanted to hear, monster?"

_What?_

_Don't think about it. He's probably lying._ He lets go anyway, steps back as Izaya slides down the wall with a sigh that sounds like relief. Are those...? Yeah, those are pretty dark bruises on his wrists. _I got carried away. Again._

Well, he still has a bargain to keep. He kneels down and leans over to make a start on that. Izaya bats his hand away irritably and for a moment he thinks he's ruined it all with the bruises, but apparently not - the flea just doesn't trust a protozoan to unzip his fancy jeans. He doesn't seem to mind Shizuo touching him, though.

The velvety warm cock in his hand feels strange, but after all he has one just like it and he does know how to do this. Slow and careful till he gets used to the angle and everything, and then a little faster, a little rougher, thumbing over the slit until the flea's demands for _more, harder_ turn into gasps and stifled cries. It doesn't take long at all before he's writhing on the floor with his hands over his mouth.

Shizuo feels pretty smug about the whole thing (though he's definitely going to have to start carrying tissues) right up until Izaya sits back up and lunges at him, with way more energy than he ought to have after coming so hard.

"Hey! Uh, you don't have to..."

"Oh yes I do, Shizu-chan. Now shut up and enjoy it."

And it does feel good, but he's only getting half-hard at best. "What is your problem, idiot?" snaps Izaya after a few minutes. "You're all tense. I bought you dinner, what more do you want, flowers? Candles and a massage?" He does the same twisting thing with his hand that Shizuo did to him earlier.

"Ah! How...mmm...how long has it been since you last stabbed me? Less than 24 hours, yeah?" Not to mention he feels weird and vulnerable being flat on his back with Izaya on top of him. And anyone could just walk in here. A little while ago the thought didn't bother him, but now...

"You're so _picky_." A warm wet tongue licks up the underside of his cock, and damn if he doesn't almost squeak in surprise himself. Before his brain can melt completely he manages to mutter, "Block the door..."

An impatient-sounding hiss against sensitive skin makes him shudder, and then the flea starts _sucking_ and all thought goes out the window. It's a small blissful eternity until he spills over Izaya's fingers. Afterward he just lies there peacefully, not caring about the mess or what -

A balled-up tissue hits him in the face. "Get cleaned up, ne? There's a thing this afternoon I want to go to."

He groans, but does what he's told. "Is this thing going to be all in English? What do you need me for?"

"The charm of your company? Target practice? It doesn't matter to you, does it, since I say you're going."

"Yeah, yeah..."

As they walk back along the corridor a staff member in cleaning overalls moves his buckets out of their way. Izaya scowls at him and the man ducks away, pulling his cap down over his eyes. Shizuo ruffles the flea's hair and gets a shove for his trouble. "What, now you're upset about witnesses? You didn't seem to care much earlier."

Izaya keeps looking back over his shoulder until they're out of sight. "Tell me if you see him again," he says.

"What? Why? The guy's probably embarrassed as hell, flea, don't go ruining his life for something that wasn't his fault. Besides, if you didn't want someone accidentally overhearing, you should've -"

"Paid the staff to stay out of that entire section this morning? Because that's what I did, Shizu-chan. One of us has to have some planning skills."

"...Oh. That's weird, then." _And I should've guessed that whole chase was a setup_.

"Isn't it?"

Still, it's a beautiful day and he just got laid for the first time. Even if something weird is going on with the boat and he didn't score any kind of victory over the flea after all, it's hard for him to mind too much. Shizuo reaches for his pack of -

_Sigh._


	12. If It's Written in the Stars, Maybe You Should Get Your Eyes Checked

Some things, Shizuo reflected, went so deep they were beyond language. No matter how obnoxiously clever certain people were, no matter how convincing they sounded, sometimes you looked at them and you just _knew_. You might not understand what they were saying; heck, they might be in denial about it themselves. Didn't matter. They still couldn't hide the truth.

"Tell me the truth, Izaya," he murmured. "This presentation we're listening to. It's total bullshit, isn't it."

" _Oh_ yes. Be glad you don't speak the language, Shizu-chan. You'd probably stomp up there and make them eat their own tarot deck."

"Then why are we still sitting here?" There had to be a dozen more fun things to do on this boat.

"Because it doesn't matter if any of it's true or not. Look at how everyone's reacting." Izaya swept one hand around in a big arc, pointing at the audience all around them. "Some are bored and annoyed like you, but most of them are really into it. They want to believe in cards and stars and the like to tell them comforting stories about the future. They're so scared you could probably sell them anything."

"Scared of what?" Shizuo tipped his head back to look at the glowing constellations projected on the ceiling. He'd only seen the stars at night a few times, on trips out of the city. They didn't mean anything to anyone he knew.

"Oh, the usual things, failure, being powerless to control their own lives, rejection by others..." Izaya shrugged. "But death, most of all. It's the ultimate unbeatable boss monster. Terra incognita."

"Terawhat?" If he saw the stars every night, would he start to recognize these pictures in them? Maybe invent some of his own? Or was it a thing you needed smarts for?

"Terra incognita. The unknown world. Cartographers used to write that on the unexplored parts of maps, in Europe anyway. Imagine setting out to sea with a map that had only these thin trails marked out and beyond that just nothing. Human lives are like that too - sooner or later they sail into the blank spaces, fast or slow. No wonder everyone's scared." Izaya leaned closer, relaxing into his side. "I'm a little sleepy. And you're not listening again, Shizu-chan."

"Yeah I am." His shoulder was being used as a flea-pillow now, but he didn't really mind. After what they'd done this morning being close didn't seem like a big deal anymore. "You think that's why people like the stars so much?"

"Hmm?"

"Well, if you're sailing off the map like you said, and you don't know where you are, you can at least look up and see the stars. If you know how to read them - not astrology, I mean, but with math and shit - they really do tell you where to go."

Izaya laughed a little into his shoulder. "I guess so. You're unusually thoughtful today, Shizu-chan. Is my intellect rubbing off on you?"

He poked the top of the flea's head with a finger. "I have thoughts. When lousy insects aren't making me mad."

"It's true, most of the time I'd rather hear your death threats than your philoso- oh they're doing readings!" Izaya sat up suddenly, sounding perky again. "I'm going to get in line. Wait here, ne? Be a good monster and I'll take you for a walk on deck after."

Shizuo went back to looking at the ceiling, feeling vaguely annoyed. Why'd the flea want him to sit around and do nothing, just like at dinner? Was he about to pull another stupid stunt? Before they came in here Shizuo had explained that if anything happened to his one remaining pack of cigarettes he would become Not In The Mood for the rest of the trip. Izaya couldn't really argue, since he'd said all that stuff about free will earlier - but he hadn't been happy about it. Payback was probably on the way.

He'd ask that angel-waitress tonight if there was a way to buy cigs here and stash an extra pack somewhere Izaya didn't know about. A change of clothes too, and a spare room key. He might not be able to fight back against the flea right now, but that didn't mean he had to just sit here and take it.

...Okay, he did have to sit here and take it. But he didn't have to be _dumb_ about it.

* * *

 

Being in this stuffy room with nothing to do was making him a little sleepy himself. He'd just started to drift slowly into a dream about chasing bear-Izaya across the sky when there was a cough behind him.

"Afternoon!" said the Westerner, a little awkwardly. Shizuo recognized him after a moment; he'd been at their table last night. "I'm Andreas. Good to see you again."

"Heiwajima Shizuo. Uh, your Japanese is very good." It wasn't, but the guy was clearly trying and it was nice of him.

"Oh, no. Very little." Andreas shrugged, smiled apologetically, and went back to speaking in English. "(You...don't speak English much?)"

"(No, sorry. I not a good student.)" Shizuo tried to remember polite phrases from class. "(You like the boat?)"

"(Yes, it's very fun. This is our second cruise.)" He couldn't follow most of the next few sentences, but did get the idea that someone who spoke more Japanese might be around. That could turn out to be either nice or embarrassing, depending on how the flea behaved...

Andreas seemed to realize that he wasn't being understood, and trailed off into silence. What now? Shizuo looked around for inspiration. "(Your friend, is he here?)"

"(Oh, Christian)" something something, said Andreas, and pointed over towards the stage. There was a little tent set up on it now, and the lined-up audience members were clearly waiting their turn to go in. He didn't see Izaya.

"(Mine too,)" he said. "(...fortune-telling.)" They traded a look that didn't need any translation at all.

But he had no idea what to say after that, so it was kind of a relief when someone screamed.

* * *

 

("Isn't that Izaya up there?")

It was. The woman up on stage in the priestess outfit looked about ready to slap him. The flea looked ready to slap her right back, too. _Huh. That's rare, for him to lose his cool._

Shizuo shrugged. ("It happens.") He couldn't see any signs of what had set this off, and it was impossible to hear anything over the buzz of the interested audience.

("Shouldn't you go over there? She looks really mad.")

He considered trying to explain to the worried-looking Andreas that this was a perfectly normal reaction to spending time around Orihara Izaya, but gave up the idea. They just didn't have enough vocab words in common. Oh well, if the flea was going to get dragged off by security, he might as well at least get a better view.

By the time he could push his way to the stage through the uncooperative crowd, a manager type had arrived and was starting to bow in apology.

"I'm so sorry, sir, what seems to be the problem here-"

The priestess interrupted angrily in what sounded like Korean, holding up the pieces of her veil for examination. It wasn't hard to guess what she was saying or where the neat slashes in the cloth came from. She pointed at Izaya and hissed like a cat.

"Excuse me," said the flea icily, "I didn't realize it was standard practice on these voyages to threaten passengers and harass them in the name of entertainment. Or to accuse them of violence."

The manager turned pale. "Of course not! This is clearly a terrible misunderstanding, and we are at fault for not giving this employee proper training. We are so sorry." He started to bow again, realized the priestess wasn't making any move to do the same thing, and grabbed her arm.

Shizuo watched her get yelled at, watched her clench her teeth on the urge to yell back. Izaya watched too, smirking in satisfaction. If he had his way she'd probably be put off in a lifeboat before sundown.

And he'd been in this kind of situation himself a dozen times, knew how to bow and grovel and accept the situation because justice wasn't coming. That this woman hadn't learned that yet meant she was a fool (or maybe raised in America). This would be a harsh but necessary lesson, he could almost hear memory-voices of teachers and ex-bosses saying.

But... aw crap. He put a hand on the stage and jumped up. "Excuse me, sorry to interrupt."

All three of them stared at him. He bowed.

"We're very sorry to have caused trouble. My partner hasn't been feeling well, he just misunderstood what your employee was saying." He put an arm around the flea's shoulders.

"Shizu-chan, what the fuck-"

"She's not at fault. We're sorry to have messed up your nice, uh, reading, and there won't be any more trouble. Let's go back for a nap, yeah? Dear." He tugged, and Izaya had to move, though his glare was murderous. Twice on their way out of the hall Shizuo had to squeeze already-bruised wrists to keep him from turning back.

"Let go of me!"

"Sorry, what was that? Couldn't quite hear you."

"I'm going to _kill_ you."

 _Heh, that's usually my line_. He didn't say it out loud because there was going to be trouble enough. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author & Izaya simultaneously: _That is not what you were supposed to do Shizu-chan!_
> 
> mumble mumble characters with minds of their own mumble... Sorry for the short chapter, I'm having to scrap and rewrite the next scenes for some reason.


	13. Welcome to flea-world

Izaya hadn't said a word since they left the hall, or even really tried hard to get free, but Shizuo still hesitated at the door to their cabin. Should he set him loose to open it? Kick it down? Ask somebody on staff? Nah, too many questions.

What would the flea himself do in a situation like this? Be annoying, of course.

"You have this big bite mark on your neck now, you know," he said as he let go. "Everyone can see."

And sure enough, for just a moment Izaya paused to feel for it. That was enough time for him to grab his arms again in a one-handed grip, and then his other hand was free for the keycard. Easy.

Once they were inside, though, he was out of ideas. Izaya looked back at him with a flat, unfriendly expression he'd never seen before. A few seconds under that stare was enough to make him want the obnoxious cheerfulness back. For an instant he was reminded of someone else, but couldn't tell who.

"You going to stab me if I let you free, flea?"

"Is there any reason why I shouldn't? You made a promise to me, and you broke it."  
  
"...Yeah, I did." Shizuo sighed and opened his hands, feeling like an idiot for coming back here instead of someplace like the empty room from this morning. Izaya was going to turn him into a pincushion now and there'd be blood all over their stuff.

But the flea seemed in no hurry to draw. He made a big show of stretching his freed arms out and rubbing his wrists and hands. "I know you aren't very bright, as monsters go. But I actually believed you had a sense of integrity."

Damn it, he'd been _trying_ to do the right thing. "No, no, don't bother," Izaya put up a hand before he could protest. "I do understand, Shizu-chan. It's a long-standing pattern of yours, this delusion of chivalry. Were you hoping to rescue the damsel in distress from the evil informant and the cold, cruel forces of authority? Inspire some gratitude? Maybe some affection as you bond over your mutual sob stories of how I've treated you?"

"What? No! Jeez, flea, you're -" _Jealous? Nah, no way._ "- Look, I know your moral compass is broken, you probably dropped it and stomped on it as a kid, but you're supposed to help someone because it's the right thing to do. Not to get something from her."

"You really weren't doing it to manipulate her?"

" _No!_ "

"Well, then, that's even worse isn't it?" The flea folded his arms as though he'd just proved something.

"Huh?"

"How many times have you put a guy in the hospital for looking at you the wrong way, or saying something you didn't agree with? Or rejected them on sight because they 'piss you off' for no reason at all? You're the incarnation of senseless violence itself, even the yakuza avoid you because you're too unstable." Izaya pointed at him. "You? Helping people because 'it's the right thing to do'? Oh please."

"Oh, but if you think someone lacks a Y chromosome then it's all different! Somehow you can control your temper then - mostly - even if they attack you, and if they're in trouble you suddenly turn into a fucking Boy Scout. Hypocrisy at its finest. I could almost think you were human."

He watched the flea double over in a sudden fit of giggling. _Was I missing that smirk just a second ago?_ _Now I want to punch it off his face again. And I can't._ Wood splintered under his fingers. He looked down, surprised, and saw what was left of the room's only chair in his hands.

"I already KNOW all that, you lousy-ass flea bastard! Why's it wrong to at least try to treat some people decently? S'got to be better than beating the crap out of everyone."

"Ahaha! You say funny things, Shizu-chan. It's true, theoretically speaking, if you picked 50% of the population at random to spare, that would be better than hurting all of them. But you're not even-handed in your choices. Is it that you think women are better people? You've met my secretary; a day with her would cure you of that idea, I promise!"

"Or, just maybe, could it be that you think they're weaker? Hmm? If it had been a man facing off with me on that stage, would you have thought 'He can deal with it, he's supposed to be an adult'? Or something like that? Why didn't you think that about this woman who was strong enough to face me down even after I pulled a knife on her?"

Izaya stepped in close, kicking the ruins of the chair out of the way, and stood on tiptoe to whisper in his ear.

"You didn't help her, you know. She'll still lose her job for talking back to management. All you did was insult her. How terrible!"

_Must not kill flea._

_It's all even kinda true. That's the worst part._

_Up is down, black is white, and being nice is wrong. Welcome to flea-world._

He sighed. Then took another deep breath and let it out slowly, wishing for a smoke. "Look... fine. Whatever. You're right. You win. I shouldn't have tried to stop you from ruining someone's life because you didn't like your horoscope. I'm sorry. Now what?"

The flea grinned, took a step backwards, and let himself fall back onto the bed. "Well, now you should start making it up to me, don't you think?"

* * *

 

He'd never bothered to think about guy nipples before. Why would anyone? (Except to wonder why they existed, back in middle school, and get a boring explanation by Shinra with words like "vestigial". )

But Izaya seemed very definite that his needed attention, so Shizuo brushed his thumbs over the flat circles curiously and then settled in to experiment. Soft caresses and licks didn't do much, but once he'd pinched and twisted them into stiff little nubs he was able to draw all kinds of interesting noises from the flea. It was surprisingly satisfying to hear those breathy gasps - they were more honest than any words to ever come out of that mouth, for sure.

He wasn't really into the idea of putting his mouth other places, yet. But he was kind of getting in the mood, enough to remember a few bookmarked pages from the magazines under his mattress.

"Flea. Take those off - yeah. C'mere."

Which was how he ended up sitting against the headboard, still fully dressed but with a naked Izaya on his lap. And feeling suddenly nervous. This must look...none of the predictions he and Celty and Shinra had come up with were even close to the real weirdness of his life right now. _If I'd known this would happen, would I still have made that bargain?_

_Well, yeah. Of course. So don't regret it now._

"Getting cold feet, Shizu-chan?"

"Stop it."

"Stop what?"

"Smirking like that. Having to look at your face is just killing the m-" Izaya leaned forward, cutting him off with a kiss that was half a bite to his lower lip and a full-body wriggle that made him shudder. The hardness pressed into his lap felt like a challenge and a promise. He liked it and he didn't and he did.

"Make me," Izaya whispered into his mouth. "Monster." He could feel that evil smile against his lips.

His own pants were starting to feel uncomfortably tight. So he reached down and got a grip under the flea's ass, lifted and moved him back a bit. Now he had a much better view and a little more room, and two handfuls of warm muscle.

"Touch yourself, flea. Show me how you like it."

The girl doing this in the magazine pictures had looked embarrassed and shy. Izaya was trying to look bold and shameless as he took himself in both hands, keeping his eyes on Shizuo's and the smirk on his face. Maybe he didn't realize how clearly the pink flush rising up his cheekbones showed. It was cute, and more than a little hot, and all Shizuo had to do was sit back and enjoy it.

He wasn't going to just sit there, of course. Got to be an appreciative audience.

"You like to hold them while you're doing it, huh? Show me, lift them up a little."

"Hey, touch your chest some more. I can't do it, my hands are-" he squeezed very gently, winning a groan "-full." That worked so well he kept it up, pausing every few seconds to just stroke (and that was definitely giving him ideas for later).

"Wait...hold on a minute."

He stilled his hands and grinned at the panting flea, who was obviously trying to control himself and catch his breath. "Hmmm?"

"You sound disgustingly smug, Shizu-chan, shut up."

"Make me."

And Izaya did. Not by undoing his pants for the second time that day, he'd kind of been expecting that, but by then shimmying himself closer to press the both of them _together_ , base to tip. It was the most obscene sensation he'd ever felt. He stared down at their cocks in the flea's grasp.

"Uh...you want help with that?" He didn't think he was all that monstrous in size, but the flea's small hand was barely able to hold the both of them.

"No, keep your hands right where they are...hold still, damnit..." By now he really did look bold and shameless, eyes dark and hair messed and concentrating raptly on what he was doing to them with both hands. Just clumsy jerking, no rhythym or technique, but there didn't need to be; two minutes and Izaya was shaking, coming in little spurts and then _oh god_ rubbing it over both of them like goddamn moisturizer and- yeah.

Afterwards he just moved down to lie on his back and dozed a while, Izaya sprawled on top of him. They didn't get up till the flea's phone chimed. (It'd been smart to set an alarm, not that he was going to admit it out loud.) He still felt like a flat noodle, so Izaya took first turn in the bathroom.

"Fuck!"

"What?"

"I thought you were _lying_ about the marks on my neck."

He laughed.

"I hate you, Shizu-chan."

* * *

 

On the way to dinner he'd meant to look at the murals again and see what the flea found so funny, but he kept being distracted by how good he looked in those dress pants. Not a view he'd ever thought to appreciate before.

Next week he was supposed to go back to trying to kick that ass instead of petting and stroking it. For the first time, he wondered how that was going to work.


	14. Unforgivable Offenses

"What's the most outrageous thing you did during high school?"

To Shizuo's way of thinking, anyone who knew his reputation and asked questions like that was _actually_ asking to get the crap beat out of them. He usually tried to ignore them and walk away (did they think he was some kind of city-nature spirit who grants wishes to masochists, or something?) but the persistent ones would eventually get a fist to the face.

Why normal people would ask each other such questions at a fancy dinner was beyond him. He stared at his plate and tried to eat the last few green beans on it as slowly as possible, wishing they'd bring out another basket of rolls or something. He was running out of excuses to ignore the guy sitting next to him.

There was no reason for him to dislike Arai Tomomi. He ought to be grateful to a man who'd come over here to translate English conversation for a stranger, just because Andreas asked him to. Arai hadn't done anything rude or wrong. And yet, something about him just rubbed Shizuo the wrong way. Not as badly as the flea - no one had _ever_ pissed him off as much as Izaya - but enough that at home, he'd have said thanks but no thanks, and go away now so I don't get violent.

_("How many times have you put a guy in the hospital for looking at you the wrong way, or saying something you didn't agree with? Or rejected them on sight because they 'piss you off' for no reason at all?")_

...Stupid flea.

At least Izaya didn't seem to be especially enjoying the conversation either. He lounged back in his chair on Shizuo's other side, smirk disguised as a polite smile, mostly-untouched dinner in front of him. That expression hadn't changed all through the way-too-long story of Andreas and Christian hacking their school website to do something or other, and it didn't change now that it was the women's turn.

"Xiaohan-san says their principal and some of the teachers were conservative Christians and kept harassing the gay students, even though their country has laws against that," Arai translated. "When it came time for the senior prom, they were told every student had to attend, with an opposite-sex partner, and journalists would be there to take pictures and do a publicity piece on how great the school was. So the two of them ditched."

Both women were talking animatedly in turns so he couldn't actually tell which one was which. They seemed really happy about the story they were telling, though, leaning together in their seats and smiling. "They borrowed a motorcycle and went on a trip to a famous hot springs for several days," Arai continued. "Jingyi-san says she felt like they were Neptune and Uranus from Sailor Moon."

"While they were there, Xiohan-san sent a picture of them together with an explanation of what they were doing to the local TV station, which did an investigation. They ran a news segment later, reporting on all the lies in the publicity piece, and quoting several other students who also wanted to protest. It was a big embarrassment for the school."

That was kinda sweet. Shizuo found himself smiling at them, and was trying to remember how to say "Good for you" in English when he heard an ominous sound on his right.

Izaya was applauding. "(Good for you!)", he said with a broad smile, and that was as much as Shizuo could follow. He watched all the other faces at the table instead as the conversation continued: the fading smiles, the tightening muscle in Jingyi's jaw, Christian's wince. Only Arai and Izaya still looked cheerful.

 _You just have to ruin a good time whenever you see one, don't you flea. Why is that?_ He leaned over with his fork and poked at the untouched noodle-thing on Izaya's plate, being deliberately clumsy and nudging his side. Izaya stopped talking to glare at him. "What?"

"You going to eat that?" Shizuo pulled the plate towards himself without waiting for an answer. "It's a shame to waste good food." He dug into the noodles, which were pretty tasty, and ignored the huff of irritation and the kick to his shins under the table.

Everyone else sat in awkward silence. It didn't seem like there was going to be any cosplay or speeches from the head table tonight, which was just as well since nobody here seemed to be in the mood for them. After a few minutes Arai coughed and said, "You haven't shared your story yet, Izaya-san, Shizuo-san. It's your turn, perhaps?"

"Oh, I was a model student. But Shizu-chan here earned quite the reputation, didn't you, dear? You can tell them about it while I take a walk on deck. For some reason I'm not feeling hungry." With a sweet smile that suggested pain for someone else in the near future, the flea sauntered out. They all watched him go.

"(Sorry)," said Shizuo after a moment. "(He's...not very...)"

"(What is his problem?") asked Xiaohan. He could only shrug helplessly.

"What an interesting person," said Arai. "If I may ask, I think everyone here is curious, why are you here with him? You don't act all that much like a couple."

Well, the flea hadn't ordered him to keep it secret... "I owe him a really big favor," he said simply. "This was what he wanted, I don't know why. I'm kind of like a bodyguard, I guess."

Arai translated, and there were nods around the table. "(He likes you, though)," said Andreas unexpectedly. "(He's always watching you.)"

Shizuo snorted when he heard the translation. "That's got nothing to do with like, trust me." Which wasn't strictly true, but he really didn't want to talk about it. "What did he say before?"

"He asked if what they did really made things better at the school, in the end," answered Arai. "Unfortunately, the answer seems to be no. The school started making all incoming students sign a behavior pledge, so now things are more repressive than ever."

Ouch. "I'm sorry," he said again. "Um. Sorry, I don't really have any good stories to tell, how about we talk about something else?" _A nice boring conversation about the weather would be good right now, for example. How about that ocean? The forecast says it'll be big and wet again tomorrow..._

Christian asked a question that made everyone else at the table exclaim in surprise. Arai translated it as "Did you really chase him halfway down the deck and leap twenty feet in the air and break things? Lots of people said they saw you this morning."

Oh fuck. He was tempted to just put his head down on the table and stay there, face in the noodles. Why was it so _hard_ to have an ordinary conversation with ordinary people? "We did have a fight, but that sounds pretty exaggerated." He tried to smile like a person who would never jump twenty feet.

"Oh, I wonder," said Arai, and smiled right back. "You're pretty distinctive-looking, you know. It's not hard to find the Fighting Doll of Ikebukuro with a couple of google searches." He didn't translate for the others.

 _What the... I_ knew _I hated him!_

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, can I interest you in dessert?" The passing out of menus distracted everyone else, fortunately, but it only pissed Shizuo off more. This scumbag was getting in the way of him trying that double dark chocolate cake, the one he'd seen on someone else's plate last night.

"I don't know who you are, or if you're here to bother me or the flea or what," he growled in an undertone, "but if you looked me up you should know better than to piss me off. "

"Goodness, what have I done? Just made an observation." Arai pretended to study the menu. "The rumors weren't exaggerating about your temper, were they. Are you really a bodyguard? Should you be leaving your client alone like this?"

_Must not throw horrible flea-like man across room now. Do it later._

He stood up, shoving back his chair, and picked up the knife next to his plate. The blade was dull, but it still wasn't hard to drive it deep into the table, pinning down one of Arai's sleeves on the way. "Stay. Away. From. Me."

Shizuo looked at the shocked faces of the waiters and his tablemates, who'd just been trying to have a nice dinner and didn't deserve to have a monster ruin it. Damn. "(Sorry)," he said. He pointed at Arai. "(Him...not a good person.)" At himself. "(Me not a good person.") Out the door the way Izaya had left. "(Him...really REALLY not a good person. Stay away.)"

The whispers and comments he heard on his way out the door were nothing new. This would be all over the ship soon and nobody would want to talk to him, not to mention he'd probably be banned from the dining room. Safer for everyone anyway.

* * *

 

It took him two cigarettes and half the length of the ship to stop fuming. No sign of the flea (not that he was looking). But there were no people out here, and the sound of the ocean was nice, and the wind and salt smell and the moon and clouds. He leaned over the rail and watched the sky for a bit, looking for the constellations from the afternoon's show. No luck - the moon was too bright or something - but slowly he felt himself relax.

 _That was...this afternoon, yeah. It's been a really long day. Two days._ Five to go. Would he be quite the same person at the end of this trip?

He hadn't looked at his phone since this morning, what with everything that happened. One new message, huh. From...Shinra? That was unusual.

_[So have you had sex yet?]_

* * *

 

"Hello?"

"What the FUCK?"

"Oh, you got my text, haha! Just a moment, let me finish up here." The phone went silent for almost a minute. "Okay, I'm back. It's amazing the ways people in this town misuse power tools, you know?"

The wait had given him time to think. "You knew what he wanted and you didn't _warn_ me?"

"I didn't know! Not for sure, until Celty told me about your conversation this morning. She still doesn't get it herself - her innocent charm is just one of the things that make her so lovable in my eyes. Did you know-"

"You knew it was a _possibility_ , and you didn't say anything when we were sitting around last week trying to figure it out?"

"Well..." Shinra's voice lost some of its usual teasing humor. "What would you have done if I did?"

"..."

"This is something that's been brewing between you for a long time, Shizuo. You need to work it out yourselves, and at least out there you won't wreck half the neighborhood doing it."

" _Between_ us? Whatever crazy-ass perverted shit has been going on in the flea's head all these years is one thing, but it wasn't brewing in _my_ head. I had no idea he thought like that, or I'd have..." What, he wasn't quite sure. Been a little less hands-on during their fights, maybe.

"Really?" Shinra sounded honestly confused now. "After that conversation we had last year, I thought..."

 _Gah!_ "That was NOT what that conversation was about!"

"Really?"

_"Really."_

"So then...what are you going to do?"

He sighed. "Give him what he wants, I guess. A bargain's a bargain." He really didn't feel like telling Shinra how much they already _had_ done, or how he felt about it. Not that he was even clear on the second part himself.

"I see...Well then, let me go ahead and give you that advice I was planning to!" And just like that the usual cheerfully inappropriate Shinra was back. It was always a little weird, how fast he could change moods.

_Oh...that's who the flea reminded me of earlier. Wonder which one of them learned it from the other?_

"You've probably already figured out that Izaya's more than a bit of a masochist, and we all know he takes things way too far. So I really suggest you be firm about safewords..."

Oh gods. Shizuo was glad nobody was around to see him blushing like a tomato. Still, this was better than being back in the dining room.

* * *

 

Eventually he cut off the flow of embarrassing advice ("...and soft ropes only, don't use silk scarves, they cut off circulation! Don't ask me how I know that, haha!") and went back to the cabin. The broken chair had been replaced, and there wasn't even a note about it next to the pillow mints. There was still no sign of Izaya. He wasn't worried, or if he was it was only for the inevitable victims. It was nice to have the quiet, anyway.

And he certainly wasn't relieved to wake up in the middle of the night and find warm bare skin pressed against his, arms winding around his neck, and a sleepy flea nestling against him and taking all the blankets.

"There you are," he mumbled. "Hey, do somethin' for me."

"Mmmmn? Let's do it in the morning, Shizu-chan, I'm sleepy now."

"Not that. That guy from tonight...whatever you do to fuck him up, give him extra hell for me."

"Oh?"

"Bastard made me miss out on cake."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some notes about the names in this chapter (mostly for myself because I am an enormous geek):
> 
> \- Westerners tend to jump straight to using each other's first names in social settings, which is why almost everyone at the table is referring to each other by first name. When someone says "Call me Andreas!" you can't very well respond with "And _you_ can call _me_ Ms. Yeh."
> 
> \- Most of the Japanese characters use honorifics when saying someone's name aloud, out of polite habit. So Shizuo uses "Andreas" in his thoughts, but he would say "Andreas-san" out loud. 
> 
> \- I figure Shizuo, Shinra, Celty and Izaya know each other well enough to drop honorifics most of the time (though Shizuo does famously yell "I-za-ya-kun!" a lot in the anime, I think it's as much for the satisfying rhythm of it as anything else). But I might be misremembering! 
> 
> \- Arai's first name is Tomomi, but Shizuo isn't using it out of sheer dislike (as well as polite habit, he hasn't been invited to be on a first-name basis with the guy and it now seems unlikely).


	15. Day Three: Course Changes

This, he thought a bit muzzily, was at least a much better way to wake up than yesterday.

Shizuo leaned further back into the corner of the shower, lovely hot water spraying over him, and let Izaya do what he wanted with the washcloth. Long soothing strokes along his legs, and then up to a slow and thorough cleaning that was a mix of embarrassing and oh-fuck-so-good, and had him biting his lip.

It hadn't been hard to guess why the flea would pull them both out of bed and into an early morning shower. This wasn't _exactly_ what he'd guessed, but he was okay with it. He kept telling himself that as those deft hands reached around to explore further.

"You do know the general idea here is for you to relax, right?"

"I'm _trying_."

"You're about as relaxed as the undercover cop at Awasu-kai strip poker night."

Shizuo snorted with laughter, and Izaya's fingers took advantage and eased a little deeper. _Weird, this is really weird..._ "I'm pretty sure you shouldn't even joke about things like that," he said, more to distract himself than anything else.

"Certain young law enforcement officers are very gullible, that's all I'm saying." Izaya looked up at him, red eyes blinking flirtatiously through a fringe of wet hair. "Come on, Shizu-chan, you haven't even made a joke about me being on my knees before you. Is it that bad?"

"Dunno why you want this, but it's what you want, so just get on with it."

"Aww, was Shizu-chan expecting to top, perhaps?" Izaya leaned in to place mocking, tender kisses all along his cock, bringing it back to full hardness even as his damn fingers kept slowly moving. "Because you're bigger and stronger?"

 _...Yeah, pretty much exactly that._ "Also cause you like being the one getting all the attention."

That won him a smirk and more kisses and licks, until he was breathing fast and having to clutch at the walls for support. "I wouldn't mind doing it the other way too. But the monster fears his own strength, don't you?"

"You're about the only one who doesn't," Shizuo sighed. "If you wanna keep doing this, let's go back to bed."

He felt just a hint of teeth in a place that was _very_ unnerving. "Which of us is in charge here, ne? I think we should stay."

"I know four little words that will make you change your mind."

"Shizu-chan is trying sweet talk? I'm impressed, I didn't think you had it in you! Let's hear it."

"The hot water's running out."

* * *

 

Things were not less embarrassing back in the bedroom. The lube Izaya had brought made it feel better, even good, and he wasn't sure he wanted it to. He refused all the flea's attempts to get him in humiliating positions and ended up lying on his side, face hidden in the pillow.

"Just...do it already, damnit. That has to be enough."

"Mm?" Warm breath on his neck, something like a kiss behind his ear, the body half-draped over his as light as a blanket. "I was just planning to get you off like this. I didn't know Shizu-chan would be so eager."

"You have _got_ to be kidding me. Isn't that what you wanted?"

"I didn't really expect Shizu-chan to let me get so far, honestly. Now the condoms are still in my suitcase and my hands are all messy."

"Oh." He closed his eyes for a bit, feeling the flea's clever hands work him from behind and in front, pulling desire up in him higher and higher. _If we don't do it now I'll be nervous all day waiting._ "Why d'you want them? You know I haven't done this before, so you won't catch anything. And if - mmmmph! - you've got something, this body of mine probably won't even notice. I never get sick."

"How rude! I do not 'have something.' It's just better for cleanup, that's all."

"Fine, you're the expert..." He sighed and tried to concentrate, to let the pleasure build and not think about past or future. The weight atop him shifted and he felt himself being straddled, though the hands never stopped.

Warm breath on his ear again. "I really didn't expect to get this far at all, you know. Ssh - no talking now. Just feel. Such an eager monster..." He could hear the smirk behind the words like poisoned honey.

"You like this so much...you're all wet at the tip here, feel that? Go on then, fuck my hand... You'll always remember how good it feels, you know. You'll touch yourself at night and remember how you spread your legs for your worst enemy, how you asked for his cock and gasped and moaned... I can hear those little noises, Shizu-chan, you can hide your face but you can't hide how much you love this. Should I do it hard and fast now? In and out till you come with my fingers all the way inside you? Say please..."

He did, eventually.

Afterwards it was some consolation to tackle the flea on his way out of the bathroom, send him tumbling to the bed with a surprised squeak and hold him down.

"Please won't be good enough, flea."

"Ah, ne, I'm hungry, Shizu-chan, aren't you? Let's do this after-"

"Let's find out how good that smart mouth of yours is at _begging_."

* * *

 

By the time they reached the breakfast room it was almost noon. A completely different overwhelming variety of food was everywhere; this time, though, Shizuo wasn't going to let it bother him. He grabbed a couple of dishes at random while the flea was talking to the waffle girl and headed outside to choose a table at the edge of the deck. After this morning even Izaya had to be too worn out to fight...but he wasn't taking chances.

Luckily Izaya seemed content to sit and read some handouts from the information desk. He wasn't quiet - that would be too much to hope for - but at least Shizuo was able to eat.

"Tomorrow we're docked at an island all day. Let's go wander around and play on the beach. We can make a sand castle and bury you in the dungeon."

"Sure."

"After what you did I doubt you want to go back to the dining room, so I made a reservation somewhere else for tonight."

"'K." No point asking how he knew. He always knew. "Omniscient Louse Incorporated" should be on his business cards. _Though he was surprised by that guy spying on us yesterday, huh._

"Should we try the swimming pool this afternoon? Or a workshop, no, it sounds dull. Ooh, ballroom dancing lessons."

"..."

"You know, it's rude to just sit there and grunt one-word answers."

"Good." Shizuo stared at his lunch, which had entirely too much tomato and cheese on it. Why did people do these things to pasta?

"Hmph. All right then, _you_ tell _me_ what we should do today."

"Whale-watching."

"What?" From the startled look on his face, Shizuo got the feeling the flea hadn't expected a real answer.

"I heard people talking about it. They said you can see whales and dolphins from the lower deck sometimes, if you watch long enough. We're crossing a migration route or something. Later on there's a small boat that goes out to see them closer up." Probably cost extra, though.

"That sounds...really monumentally boring, Shizu-chan. I think I'll pass." Izaya stood up, pushing away a half-finished plate. "But go watch gray shapes in a gray ocean if it makes you happy. I have some things to do anyway." He reached under the table and brought up a shoulder bag. "Watch my stuff for me, ne?" He tossed the bag at Shizuo and walked off.

It would be so easy to pitch the thing at the back of the flea's head with enough force to knock him over. So tempting. But a week ago he wouldn't have felt tempted, because he would have already thrown it and followed up with a trash can or two. Odd.

He kept thinking about it while finishing his lunch and Izaya's and strolling down to the lower deck for a smoke. Over the last three days he'd hurt zero people, damaged one table and broken one chair. Two tables if you counted yesterday lunch. Oh, and a wineglass. That was...a lot less than usual. And considering that his life was 24/7 flea-infested right now, he ought to be _more_ violent, not less.

Was it the sex? People always said things like "He really needs to get laid" or "It's so much more pleasant around the office now that she's getting some." Maybe they were right. Would the city be more peaceful if they started checking into a love hotel after each fight?

The flea had mellowed out lately, too. The bitter tang of his presence was still everywhere (it wasn't really a smell, but he didn't have another word to describe it), and he was still incredibly obnoxious, but they weren't so much fighting now as bickering with a sprinkle of violence on top. At times he was almost considerate. And for all his cruel words, he was gentle and careful in bed...

Now was not a good time to think about that. Whales. Look for gray shapes in a gray ocean. He was probably overthinking this, anyway. Flea was just flea. Belatedly, he noticed that the other people on the deck all seemed to have binoculars. Damn. _Wonder if he'd rent some for me if I asked..._

"Excuse me, sir?"

He turned around to see a man who could instantly be identified as "boat cop" by his uniform and the familiar reluctant look on his face. I've heard about you, said that expression, and I don't want to be here and isn't it about time for my lunch break? The guy next to him was obviously a passenger, dressed in sporty tourist clothes and pointing excitedly at Shizuo.

"That's him! He did it!"

Shizuo adjusted his sunglasses to look at the tourist over the rims. "Excuse me?" He braced himself for complaints about noise or overturned tables or pets getting stepped on. People could be such whiners.

"That's my bag, you thief!"

"I'm going to have to ask you to come with us, sir..."

He turned, slowly, to look at the travel bag sitting next to him on the deck. Come to think of it, he'd never seen the flea carry a bag at all before this morning. _Yeah. Definitely overthinking it._


	16. Three Conversations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fastest I've ever written a chapter. If I knew what was up with my brain today, I'd bottle and sell it to authors with writer's block. 
> 
> (okay, who am I kidding I'd save it all for myself because this writing!brain won't last)

Cruise ships must be pretty peaceful places, he thought. They wouldn't be having this conversation in a nice office if a jail was available. And it was definitely a conversation; the boat cop was trying to make it an interrogation, but he was so polite and hesitant compared to the Ikebukuro police that Shizuo hadn't even started to lose his temper.

(He was going to wring the flea's little _neck_ , of course, but he was used to saving up that anger for later.)

"Look, I told you, the guy I'm with told me to watch the bag and went off, I don't know any more than that. Never saw it before this morning. You want to talk to Orihara Izaya. "

"Who would believe that? He's your partner, you're both thieves. I want to press charges! Can I do that?"

"Please calm down sir, we can resolve this without -"

"Calm down? Those assholes took my STUFF!"

The boat cop held up his hands in a don't-blame-me gesture. He'd been doing that a lot. "I understand that you're upset, sir, and you have reason to be. And yes, you can press charges with the local authorities when we dock tomorrow. For now, though, why don't you look through your property and confirm that everything's there?"

"You MORON, why would it still be there? That Orihara guy must have run off with my wallet, oh shit my credit cards, I have to call in-"

Okay, now he was starting to lose his temper a little. "Oi." He leaned down and glared into the face of the annoying man, who backed up a step. "Quit being rude, you're making our country look bad."

"The-the THIEF wants to lecture me on manners? Fuck you!"

"We don't have a reputation for being honest, we have a reputation for being POLITE. So be polite!"

"...Sir, could you put him down please?"

Oops. He set down and released the man, who instantly grabbed his bag and backed up into a corner of the room. He pointed at Shizuo. "And now you can add assault charges!"

"We'll get to that," sighed the boat cop. "Could you examine your property, please?"

Furiously, the tourist shoved his hand in the bag and rummaged around. "I told you, it's - oh." He pulled out a wallet and opened it. But instead of flipping through it, he just stared.

"Is something missing?" prompted the boat cop after a few moments of silence.

"...Sir?"

"Uh..." Shizuo had seen that expression before, usually in movies when someone unexpectedly found a body part. Sort of greenish pale and staring with the mouth scrunched up. The man kept staring at his wallet for several more seconds, and then folded it up.

"Everything's here." He made an awful attempt at smiling. "I guess it's all okay, really. No need to press charges. Sorry to take up your time."

"Sir, could I just see-" The boat cop reached out, but the man was already backing out the door. "No, no! Everything's fine! Sorry!" He turned and ran.

Shizuo and the boat cop stared at each other.

"Do you know what was in there?"

"No idea."

"This is one of those situations where I should just let it drop for my health, isn't it?"  
  
"Probably."

The boat cop buried his face in his hands. "I wanted to be a marine biologist, you know."

"...Okay?"

"Just go away."

He shut the door quietly after him, figuring the guy needed some time alone.

* * *

 

The long hallway lined with shops was much less crowded now than on the first day, thankfully. He didn't have anywhere to go - whale-watching had totally lost its appeal for the moment - so he just wandered along looking at storefronts. The flea wasn't anywhere nearby, and there was no point trying to find him right now.

Lots of stores selling clothes, touristy knicknacks, and jewelry you could tell was for suckers. A few places were more like convenience stores; he asked in one of them about cigarettes, and was disappointed but not surprised to be told no. There was one "smoking lounge" on the boat, said the clerk, and if you had fifty thousand yen to spare an attractive woman would light your hand-rolled cigar for you... He exchanged sympathetic grimaces with Shizuo.

"Your best bet is to catch one of the bartenders when it's not busy and their boss isn't around. They might have a personal stash."

He thanked the guy and handed over a tip from his own wallet before walking on. Good thing he had such a smart senpai; Tom had insisted on giving him an advance, saying he'd need his own funds to get out of whatever mess the louse got him into. Of course, at the time they'd been thinking about things like making bail, not...

 **Ghirardelli Ice Cream & Chocolate Shop,** said the sign. The afternoon suddenly looked slightly brighter.

He took his chocolate shake to a seat in the back, prepared to kill a good hour or so sipping it slowly and thinking about revenge. One of the women at the table opposite glared at him. After a moment he recognized her as the fortune-teller from yesterday. _Can't blame her for being pissed._

"Ah," he said, scratching his head, "you probably can't understand me, but in case you can, I'm sorry about what happened."

She shrugged, and said something to the other woman with her, who relayed, "She knows you were trying to help. But it's our break right now, so..."

"I got it, I'll go somewhere else." It couldn't hurt to ask, though, could it? "But first, could you tell me what happened back there? If you don't want to, I get it, but..."

"But what?" said the second woman.

"But I've never seen that guy so mad, and whatever she did to piss him off so much, maybe I could do it _too_."

She laughed and translated for her friend. The reply came back, "Isn't he your boyfriend?"

"Hell NO. More like my temporary boss. He doesn't know I'm talking to you, and I won't tell him."

After thinking about it for a few moments the first woman shrugged again and motioned him over. Laid out between the two of them on the table were several tarot cards.

"When she did a reading for your 'boss', these five cards came up. They're not hers and she doesn't know why they were on the top of her deck."

A skeleton with a scythe, a crumbling tower, a man stabbed with swords and bleeding to death... Fortune-telling wasn't his thing, but they didn't look like happy cards. "So...what, you predicted he'd die painfully or something?"

"She didn't say anything! He jumped up as soon as he saw the cards, looking really shocked and then mad. We were just trying to figure out why. It is a bad spread - we take most of those cards out of the deck beforehand just to make sure customers don't get them. But who pulls a knife over something like that? Is he really superstitious or something?"

"I don't think so." Shizuo reached out and turned one of the cards to look at it closer: a man in a simple white coat looking up at the severed head of a woman, its eyes closed and beautiful face peaceful. Tarot cards were _weird_. "What's this one?"

"The Magician...that one's not necessarily a bad card. But it isn't from any deck either of us has ever seen."

"Huh." He straightened back up. "Well, thanks for telling me. Sorry again." Might as well take his drink outside and look at the waves some more. It was peaceful out there, and he was going to miss it when this was all over. He could sort of see now why people wanted to go on these trips. No smog, no traffic noises, just the salt smell and the wind and the seagulls, and the ocean any time you wanted to look at it.

* * *

 

"Flea."

"How is it you always know when I'm behind you? It's not that Shizu-chan is good at detecting danger, I've seen someone walk up and hit you with a bat without you noticing. More than once, even."

"Told you before, you stink. Also -" he made a grab for Izaya, who danced back out of reach - "gonna wring your neck."

"What are you so mad about? You told me yourself it was okay to do things like that."

"Hah?!"

"Really, you should make an effort to remember your own words. 'Want me to take the fall for one of your schemes and go to jail?' Ah, well, I should have had you repeat it and made a recording at the time..." Izaya flung out his hands in a what-can-you-do gesture.

He had said that, hadn't he. Damn. It was lucky he'd just spent a long time watching the water and enjoying an intensely chocolate milkshake; even though he would've _liked_ to hurl the flea down the deck like a bowling ball, he didn't feel like he _had_ to.

"And anyway, you were never at risk. What's a little arrest or two between enemies?" Izaya must have been able to sense his relative calm, because he waltzed right up to the railing and leaned on it, just far enough away to dodge if need be. "Have you just been standing here all afternoon?"

"Yeah. It was nice, until you showed up."

Izaya hmphed and moved a little closer. They both stared at the water for a few minutes.

"I needed more of an information network. None of the staff want to talk to me. From the amount of money I've been spreading around, they should love me, but instead it's like someone else got there first. It's very irritating."

"Huh." An explanation, when he hadn't even asked for one. Flea always did love the sound of his own voice.

"This really was supposed to be just a vacation. But someone's messing with me, and they will pay for it, the bastards."

Up until this afternoon he would've said it was paranoia, but now... "So is that guy with the bag part of it?"

"Oh no," Izaya waved a hand dismissively. "He's just someone with a secret. And he'll do whatever I want from now on, which was the point."

The sun was setting, warm and gold-orange over the waves, too bright to look at directly. Shizuo adjusted his sunglasses; the sky was different colors depending on whether he looked through them or not, but pretty either way.

Izaya kicked his leg lightly. "I told you something true. So now you have to tell me something."

Shizuo grunted. That the flea was offering a trade for the answer, even a bogus one, meant it was going to be something he didn't want to talk about.

"Why are you so...all right with this?" _Like that._ "Normally you'd be tearing up the sidewalk at the thought of even spending time with me. I remember how much you hated it that time Simon made us sit and eat together."

The memory made him smile, face turned safely away. "That hate was mutual, flea."

"Well, that's true." He could hear amusement in Izaya's voice too. "But seriously...I didn't even think you were gay."

"I'm _not_." The evidence of the last twenty-four hours seemed to stare him in the face. "I...don't think so, anyway. Does it have to be one or the other?"

"And that's much more complicated than I expect from my protozoan." Izaya had been edging slowly closer, till his right elbow on the railing nearly touched Shizuo's left. "So why? What happened to make you so broad-minded? Was it...oh. Is your brother...?"

" _No_!" He aimed a kick at the flea's shins, denting the lower rail slightly when he missed. "I guess...it was mostly a conversation with Shinra." Inspiration struck him like a lead pipe to the head. "He thinks I should be making you use safewords, you know."

If Izaya had been holding a drink, he would've spit out a mouthful. "He _what?_ "

"Yeah, he seems to know an awful lot about your sex life," Shizuo continued, suddenly cheerful. "Gave me all kinds of advice last night."

Sputtering, incoherent rage was such a beautiful look on the flea that he was tempted to take a picture. "He didn't have to tell _me_ that you're a masochist," he continued for good measure, "but some of those fantasies he says you probably have were a bit of a surprise. I'm not gonna play gym teacher for you, just so you know."

Izaya was stomping away, phone out and dialing, before he finished the sentence. Shizuo put his face down on his folded hands and laughed very quietly. Even if he'd made up the gym teacher part, Shinra still deserved the earful he was about to get. And more importantly, the flea was good and distracted.

Something went clunk behind him. Things fell over all the time; he wasn't sure what it was about this particular noise that put him on high alert, turning around and bracing for attack. Nothing much to see. Just the back of a cleaning crewman in grey and white, happening to walk with his bucket in the same direction Izaya had gone.

Well, he wasn't in the business of flea protection. He was going to stay here and watch the sunset and smoke a cigarette.

But it _was_ interesting.

 


	17. Trust

  
The restaurant was called "Over the Rainbow". The walls were pale blue, with these gauzy white drapings that suggested clouds, and prisms hung here and there to catch the light. Tiny lanterns with rainbow stained glass sat on each table. He liked it.

"Behave yourself this time, Shizu-chan," commented Izaya as they sat down, "or we'll have to go eat at Cloud Nine. It has these fat cherubs all over the place."

"Wonder how their waitresses dress."

"...That was _not_ a mental image I needed."

Izaya hadn't asked any more questions since returning from his phone call, flushed and still simmering. Which only meant he was saving them up. So Shizuo didn't even bother to reach for the menu; he just leaned back in his seat, looked down over the rims of his sunglasses, and waited.

"Well-played back there, I admit it. Surprisingly clever for a protozoan." Izaya tapped his own menu, meaningfully. "But the more you try to avoid answering the more curious I get. So spill it, or I won't buy you the curry puffs appetizer."

"I'm not a _dog_. You can't motivate me with food."

The disbelieving arch of the flea's eyebrow needed to be smacked off his face _right now_ , but he couldn't think of a way to do it. Argh, he needed something to do with his hands or they were going to flip the table... For lack of anything else he picked up his knife and bent it into a V shape. "I don't want your damned curry puffs, you wanted to know so shut up and listen."

"Yay! More for me." Izaya leaned forward, elbows on the table, and rested his chin in his hands. "So, you said something about Shinra?"

"When someone says 'shut up' you hear 'talk more', flea. It's a bad habit that makes people want to pound your face in." He leaned forward, scowling, until their faces were almost touching. Instead of glaring back like normal Izaya just kissed the tip of his nose, made a zipping gesture across his own mouth, and smirked.

 _I still want to punch him, and at the same time it's kinda cute. He's like the world's most obnoxious cat._ Shizuo sighed. "Fine. It started before that, really, there was one of our debtors at work who was different, and it bugged me. And - DON'T say it."

"Don't say what?"

"Don't ask if I thought he was hot. That's not what I meant."

"I'm not saying anything, I'm sitting here with my lips zipped."

"You were THINKING it. What I mean is, you know most of the people we deal with are morons, or cheats, or both. They run up debts without thinking about the consequences and then they try to get out of paying. They're so irresponsible it makes me want to - never mind.

"So it was really a surprise when this one guy didn't get scared or make excuses, he just gave us some money and asked if he could pay the rest next week. And when we went back the next week, he actually did. That _never_ happens.

"That second time we got to talking a bit, and I asked him how he got into that situation. Turns out he was from one of those countries where they really don't like gay people. He told us how he got out, and what happened to his friends who weren't as lucky. It wasn't easy being a gay foreigner in Japan, he said, but at least he wasn't afraid for his life every day.

"And it bugged me. Dunno why." He shrugged and took a drink of water. "I know I beat the crap out of people all the time for being annoying, and cops always hassle you if they think you're the type to make trouble. But those people and their families... Anyway, I said to Celty and Shinra later that maybe the right thing to do to protect your family is to behave like you're supposed to even if it's not how you want to live. I mean, it's not like-" _Ah, I'm talking too much. Time to shut up._

_It's not like I want to live the way I do either, staying away from everyone so they don't get hurt._

Izaya was watching him with absolute attention, chin still in his hands, not saying a word. To get away from that gaze he picked up his menu and pretended to read the entrees. They sat in silence until a waitress came over to take their orders. She had brown-dyed hair in two tails with red bows, a little-girl dress in blue and white, and a picture of a dog on her apron, and she was willing to bring him "something like okonomiyaki" but not a glass of milk.

"Yes you can," said Izaya unexpectedly. "It doesn't matter if it's not on the menu. You use whole milk for cooking here, don't you? Just have the kitchen pour some of it in a glass for him. What's that expression for? You're not going to tell us it's not _safe_ , are you? That'd be very worrisome! No? Off you go, then."

"Uh...thanks." Her red heels clacked off in a huff, along with their menus.

"Go on."

The flea was still _watching_ him like that and now there was nothing to hide behind. He made himself quit being a wimp and look straight back.

"...Anyway. They didn't agree with me. Celty said it doesn't matter what she does to fit in, she can't grow a head to make people happy." And the rest of that conversation was none of the flea's business.

_"If 'behaving like you're supposed to' is something a person can just do, you wouldn't have such a hard time, would you?"_

_"It's hard to be hated and feared just for who you are. It makes me really sad sometimes."_

"And Shinra said sex stuff is really complicated, and it's normal for it to be complicated, only people keep trying to force it to be simple."

_"Of course it's all intellectual for me, since Celty's the only person I'll ever be attracted to. I'm a Celtysexual! But it does seem foolish. Hmm, think of it like this. There's millions of colors in the world, right? Imagine a law that you can only ever make things red or green. And then some people insist green is ugly, or that you're not allowed to mix them together, and so on... wouldn't it be a waste of all that beauty and possibility?"_

"So..." He shrugged again, picking up the bent knife and turning it around in his hands. "Since then I try to remember that it's supposed to be complicated and that's normal. I didn't seriously think it would apply to me _too,_ but...I guess it wasn't a total shock."

"Hmmm..." Izaya narrowed his eyes into what Shizuo thought of as the mad-scientist look. "That's it? How disappointing. After all that buildup, I was expecting a hopeless crush or two, maybe some tales of the monster experimenting with gay porn. But all you have is a sickening level of trust in your friends."

He reached over and ruffled soft dark hair. "Don't worry, flea. I still don't trust you."

Izaya grabbed at his hand and tried to push it away, so naturally he had to keep right on messing up that hair and patting his head. By the time the appetizer arrived the two of them had knocked over a water glass and other patrons were staring. And hopefully the irritated flea had forgotten any questions about what Shizuo might or might not have watched.

"My curry puffs. All mine. You said you didn't want any."

"I hate you."

"Speaking of trust..." _Damn._ "Why did you think I wasn't responsible for what happened to your brother?"

 _Huh._ Not a question he expected, but it gave him a chance to ask one of his own. "My turn for an honest answer first. Were you?"

"Our agreement was that you do what I say, not the other way round, remember?"

"Just answer the question, flea."

"...No, actually. But how did you guess?" Izaya bit into another puff with a little noise of satisfaction. They smelled delicious, but Shizuo wasn't going to grab one; a man had to value his pride. Also he'd never be fast enough to get past the flea's guard.

"We've been fighting for what, seven years now? Eight? You've only ever targeted him once, that time you gave a stalker his schedule, and then you called the cops right after so he was in no danger. I don't mess with your family and you don't mess with mine. It's one of those unspoken agreement things."

"Is it?" _Must not punch flea and take his food._ "A sickening level of trust, indeed."

"And you've got a sickening level of stink, but here we are."

Izaya just smirked again. "Doesn't seem to bother you in bed though."

"Maybe I'm just holding my breath."

* * *

 

The last curry puff sat there on the plate taunting him until dinner was almost over, and then they nearly did get thrown out of the restaurant. Izaya laughed like a hyena.

* * *

 

"I'm 'the only one who can do what you need in the bedroom tonight', huh? Your pickup lines are terrible."

"Ah, but it was the truth! Move it back a little, I can't reach."

"I should just drop it and squash you like the bug you are."

"Just a little more...okay, you can put the bed down now. Pick up the desk next." Izaya scrambled to his feet, clicking off the flashlight.

"Why do you think someone's bugged the cabin anyway?" The desk light, pulled by its short power cord, teetered and fell as he lifted; reflexively Shizuo caught it, and stood there holding the light down low in one hand and the desk balanced up high on the other. It felt weirdly symbolic of something or other.

"It's a common tactic if you're spying on someone, don't you think?" Izaya started poking at the underside of the desk, stopping now and then to shine the flashlight on something.

"Yeah, but they'd have to listen to what we've been doing. Or watch it, if they had cameras...ugh....." He raised his voice. "If you're hearing this, it's your OWN FAULT if you heard anything disgusting, and also I'm going to find you and KILL YOU. Why are you laughing, shitty flea? You think I'm joking?"

"No, no..." Izaya waved his hands in a perish-the-thought gesture, but kept right on giggling. "It's just, I'd accuse you of false modesty right now if I didn't know it was perfectly sincere stupidity instead."

"What does that even mean?!" He felt the lamp crack and splinter in his fist, and hurled the thing at the flea since it was broken now anyway. Behind him there was an expensive-sounding crack from the wall outlet as the plug ripped out of the socket; Izaya caught the lamp easily, but at least he stopped laughing.

"Another thing to replace. Shizu-chan is not a cheap date."

"Can I put this thing down now?"

"Oh, fine." Sulkily, Izaya flopped backwards onto the bed, still holding a light in each hand. "We've been all over the cabin and found nothing. If someone's going to stalk me they could at least be _competent_ about it."

Shizuo looked at that slim body, the outflung legs and the V shape they formed drawing the eye up to where they met, and felt his irritation flip over into something else. This was it. Eight years of having Izaya fuck up his life and it was like the leadup to a dirty joke, because he was about to let the flea fuck up his ass. So ridiculous. So inevitable. Had they been heading toward this from that very first meeting?

_"You piss me off!"_

_"That's too bad. I thought you and I could have a lot of fun together."_

Izaya kept his eyes closed as Shizuo bent over him. It was strange to see him like that: not squirming or fighting or spilling razor-edged words, just laying still and calm. He lightly traced the arch of the eyebrows he'd wanted to smack earlier. He stroked the bruised wrists, prised open the hands until they dropped what they held. He touched the fading marks of his own teeth in that soft neck. The pulse under his fingers thrummed as quickly as his own.

 _He's not really calm at all._ Did Izaya's heartbeat spell out mantras for him, the way Shizuo's did? What did they say?

_Why's he just lying there? Waiting to see what I'll do? If I'll back out?_

_No chance, flea. I keep my promises._

Izaya finally made a noise when Shizuo's full weight was on top of him, just a little grunt, and another when he whispered in his ear. "So let's do this."


	18. Trust, part II

  
This didn't feel like the other times they'd fooled around. It was because they'd prepared too much, Shizuo figured, gotten ready for bed and taken turns in the bathroom and crawled under the covers like some kind of couple. Now they were looking at each other across the sheets and he wasn't quite sure what to do -

Izaya smacked him in the face with a pillow. That made things easy.

"Aha, wait, stop - ow! Nooo, not there-ahahaha!"

"Shouldn'ta done that then." But he stopped anyway before ribs got cracked or worse.

"T-tickled to death by a monster, what a terribly pathetic end that would be." The flea hadn't quite caught his breath yet, but somehow he'd ended up on top of Shizuo and smirking down at him. "I couldn't help it, you looked like a deer in headlights."

"Fuck you."

"I thought we were doing it the other way tonight, ne? Unless you've changed your mind."

He thought about it, letting his hands wander down to pet that pretty ass while their legs tangled lazily together. "Nah, you're the one who knows what you're doing, so it's better if you do it the first time."

"-Not that I care if I hurt you," he added quickly.

Too late. Izaya started giggling again, less pleasantly this time. "You _do_ care. You don't want to _hurt_ me. Shizu-chan wants to be tender and sweet in bed. The beast of Ikebukuro could be tamed with orgasms, who knew all this- ulp."

_Careful..._ Shizuo relaxed his hand just a bit and watched closely. Izaya wasn't signaling for air or trying to break the grip on his throat, but he wasn't talking anymore either. Good. "Just how much of a masochist are you, flea? You want me to break your bones so you can spend the rest of the trip in the infirmary? Got fantasies of fucking in a full-body cast? Hah? Answer me."

Izaya shook his head, eyes wide. His pulse was racing under Shizuo's fingers, his cock stiff between their bodies.

"Or are you just trying to get me to spank you?" He felt himself getting harder at the thought. Another headshake, though he felt something wet against his stomach that suggested the flea wasn't exactly opposed to the idea.

"Then why did right _now_ seem like a good time to piss me off?" He was expecting the answer to be "It's always a good time for that," but when he let go Izaya slumped comfortably down on his chest again and said simply, "You were nervous before. Now you're not."

It was true, he realized.

"-And of course all times are good for teasing Shizu-chan."

"Just shut up and get the lube."

* * *

 

"How does it feel?"

"Weird."

"You can't be more specific than that?"

Shizuo considered. Intense? Surprising? Not like anything ever in his life before? " _...Really_ weird."

"Your eloquence leaves me speechless."

"If only."

He felt the smile where Izaya's face was pressed into his back. "Should I move?"

"You can if you want."

"Not exactly enthusiastic. It might feel better if you'd just be willing to put your legs up like I said-"

" _No._ You can wiggle around and do weird Kama Sutra shit when it's your turn if you want."

"You could try being on top."

He imagined himself sitting on the flea's lap. The snort of laughter that came out of him took them both by surprise and made Izaya hum in pleasure.

"Look, just go ahead and do whatever you want," he said finally. "I'm fine."

And it was clumsy and strange and it didn't feel as good as what they'd done before, even after Izaya reached around to play with his cock and rub his nipples, but somehow it felt _significant._ He lay there and quivered as his worst enemy moved deep inside him and sent ripples of sensation through his body. Flea was inside him, he'd never be rid of the taint. He should hate it. He imagined the condom being gone and that warm bare cock rubbing up in the same places, spilling wetness, and he shuddered.

("Mmm," panted Izaya in his ear. "Whatever you're thinking about, keep...ah, keep doing it.")

Later, after Izaya had clung to his back and gasped and come and then brought Shizuo off with his hands hard and fast, he just wanted to lie there and melt into the bed. But Izaya rolled away from him and said in a pointed kind of way, "You can have the bathroom first." So he went and cleaned up and stared at his newly-deflowered self in the mirror. Didn't look any different.

He might be a novice at this, but he knew there were things you were supposed to do after having sex with someone. Protocol, that was the word. There was a protocol. And his instincts from years of flea-warfare were telling him Izaya did not plan to follow it. Too bad for him. It was no trouble at all to lay in ambush outside the bathroom, pounce as Izaya came out and scoop him up to be cuddled like an unwilling cat.

"Put me down, you oaf. We finished, we're done, did you not notice?"

"Nah. We skipped a few steps." Shizuo sat down on the bed, still keeping the flea pinioned in his arms, and bent in close. "Do I seem like the kind of guy who would have sex with someone and not even kiss them?"

Izaya muttered something under his breath that started with "hmph," but didn't argue the point. They kissed and kissed and it was...nice. Sweet, he would've said if he hadn't been mocked for it earlier. Letting go and rolling across the bed together, Izaya's hands in his hair, his eyes staying closed when they pulled back for a moment to breathe, the lazy warmth of afterglow fading into sleepiness. This was how days should end.

And it lasted maybe five minutes before the flea pushed him away.

"All right, that's enough. Cuddle time is over."

Shizuo blinked. "What's wrong? You were really into it a second ago. Did I accidentally hurt you or something?"

"No, but I was starting to want to hurt _you._ " Izaya leaned over and started tossing up the extra pillows from the floor. "I got bored, Shizu-chan. We're done, go to sleep."

He grabbed one of the pillows out of the wall that was now rapidly forming along the center of the bed; Izaya grabbed it back, and there was a brief tug-of-war before they both realized it was about to tear. "Seriously, flea, what the hell? Even for you, this is weird."

"Really." Beyond his pillow-barrier, Izaya wriggled himself down flat for sleep and then rolled over so his back was to Shizuo. "In your experience, am I someone interested in schmoopy, clumsy affectionate pawing without any payoff of actual sex? Or interested in spending extra time around you at all, in fact?"

"Well, since you ordered me to get on this boat with you and all the rest of it, _yeah._ In fact."

"And now I'm ordering you to shut up for the rest of the night. Get the lights. And if you move onto my side of the bed I'll stab you in your sleep."

_What the fuck?_ But he shut up and pretended to be asleep with deep even breaths, while the other side of the bed was so quiet he wondered if Izaya had the covers over his head. And when he woke hours later to find the pillow-wall gone and the flea curled warm into his side, he pretended he hadn't.

He had a lot of thinking to do.

 


	19. Day Four: Shore Excursion

They were both very quiet the next morning.

No remarks were made about people who owned only one kind of clothes, people who clingily texted their friends every morning or people who at least actually  _had_ friends to text. No ship property was damaged (amazingly). At breakfast, and later on the bus ride inland, they looked at their phones and out at the scenery and anywhere except at each other. And when Shizuo finally did start a conversation, the result was surreal beyond his strangest dreams.

"You're right," said Izaya. "That is the ugliest piece of erotic art I've ever seen."

"It's supposed to be erotic? How can you tell?"

"Well, the location is a bit of a clue. And I think that bit sticking out is meant to be a phallus."

Shizuo fumbled open the guidemap they'd been given and looked at the first page. "Allotropic Ecstasy, it says. Neo-retrocubism."

"Ah, so it's _high_ art. We're merely not cultured enough to appreciate it." Izaya nodded solemnly.

They gazed at the sculpture inside the gates of 'Loveland' for another few moments in silent appreciation of its awfulness. Then Shizuo heard the flea snicker. He looked over to see not the usual smirk, but an only slightly crooked grin.

"You know who would really like this thing? Simon."

" _Simon_? Are we talking about the same guy?"

"Of course." Izaya pulled the phone from his pocket and snapped a picture. "Even you have to know the sushi clown act is just a defense mechanism for him, surely. He's quite intelligent and articulate if you can get him to open up in private."

"I know he's a lot smarter than he acts, sure. But why do you say it's a defense? Why would _Simon_ of all people need to protect himself?" He'd always figured the "sushi good" patter was just something the man did for fun. No, he hadn't figured, because he hadn't thought about it at all.

"You mean, besides being a large, scary-strong obvious foreigner in a xenophobic country? Ah, never mind, Shizu-chan doesn't see much beyond his own nose even when it comes to his friends. Trust me, he likes modern art. There's some pictures in his apartment almost as weird as this."

"I..." A cigarette was needed to process this idea. How many were there left? Seven. Damn. He lit one anyway. "When were you in his apartment? Did you break in? I hope he beat the crap out of you."

Izaya just smirked and aimed the phone at him, then put it back in his pocket. "Always so quick to assume the worst. I was invited, Shizu-chan. Though it sounds like you weren't. Are you jealous?"

"No." He wasn't. Simon had given him good advice over the years, stopped him from making some bad mistakes, always welcomed him at Russia Sushi even when other restaurants banned him. He wasn't going to sulk like an ungrateful kid because the flea got more attention. Still, the smoke felt harsher than usual in his throat.

"Hey," he said quickly to clear it. "We should take one of us together with the thing, then. He's always wanted us to get along."

"Hm, that's not a bad idea. Excuse me, ladies?"

He turned around to see what the flea was looking at, and found three young women standing there. They burst into giggles as soon as he met their eyes. Girls had a tendency to do that around him, he'd noticed, when they weren't screaming and running away. He never had figured out what they found so funny.

Izaya strolled over to the tallest one and said something that made her blush. There was a conversation involving a little English and a lot of gesturing; Shizuo found himself handing his phone over and being herded into different poses. The two of them leaning on opposite sides of the sculpture and pointing at each other. Holding hands. Standing with all three young women. while the flea encouraged him to "act natural - no, I mean what would be natural for a human." Taking pictures on the girls' phones of Izaya flirtatiously explaining the artistic symbolism.

"These two," said Izaya afterwards. He had to agree - the best pictures of the lot were the one with the pointing and the one where they held hands in front of the sculpture while Izaya made bunny ears behind his head.

"Yeah. I'll send them to Simon. You want copies?"

"Of course!"

"Tough."

* * *

 

The tension from earlier seemed completely gone, but he decided to wait another hour to be safe before saying what was on his mind. By that time they'd wandered through half of "Loveland", laughing like kids and making fun of all the art. Izaya's mockery was a lot more amusing when he was aiming it at things Shizuo didn't care about.

"So, what do you think the story being told here is?" They paused in front of two giant pairs of legs entwined and upside-down in a pond.

"Uh. Double suicide?"

"Not very sexy, though I suppose everyone has their tastes. Maybe it's a siren drowning a sailor. Or just a couple with an asphyxiation kink."

"Synchronized diving?" Shizuo took a picture of Izaya in front of the legs. "So...flea, listen. I think I figured out what happened last night."

If he hadn't been watching closely, he would have missed the tiny instant where Izaya froze, blank-faced. Then he was back to normal and smirking. "Shizu-chan, you're not telling me you forgot? I didn't think I'd _actually_ fucked your brains out. But maybe I've been talking with a zombie all day and not noticed."

One thing about being constantly insulted, it gave you lots of practice in ignoring it. Shizuo caught Izaya's shoulder and tugged him around so they were face to face. "You don't do relationships."

"Well, not with _monsters_." Izaya shook himself free. "So whatever little pathetic delusion you've been-"

"Not with anyone. Don't bother to deny it, I know I'm right."

"So?" Izaya's smirk lost its humor, sliding more towards a glare as his eyes narrowed. "Mercy isn't really a hobby of mine, ne? But in thanks for the entertaining week I'll give you one chance to back out of the stupidity you're about to commit. Drop it. Let's just have a nice day. We can go over to the food court and dare each other to eat the X-rated popsicles I'm sure they have for sale. "

"You really are scared, aren't you."

" _What_?"

Well, there was no backing out now. He'd spent a long time lying in bed last night thinking up a way to say this that would fit with flea-world logic. Shizuo took a deep breath. "It's like that thing you said the other day about the blank spaces on maps. Terra incognito or whatever it was. You do all kinds of shit ordinary people wouldn't dare, and you're not scared of me or death or anything else as far as I know. But you don't have clue one when it comes to caring about someone and letting them care about you. It scares you and you hate it and you push people away."

"That's...an interesting theory, Shizu-chan." Izaya sounded as though he was biting off ice with each word. "Did you think it up all yourself? Or have you and Shinra been chatting whenever my back was turned?"

"I'm not dumb, flea. I've known you and your sisters for years, and they've said some things. I just never put it all together until now." _I was too busy hating you._ "You've been making my life a misery all this time because hate was the only way you knew how to connect with me. But now we know it doesn't have to be that way." He watched Izaya's hands clench into fists as he spoke; knives, punches, whatever, he'd had hours to think of all the likely negative reactions.

Turning around and walking away had not been on his list of possibilities. _Huh._ He followed, not knowing what else to do, and they walked in silence across a plaza and under an enormous bronze woman arched up in pleasure, hands between her legs.

"You don't want things to go back to the way they were, " said Izaya finally. His voice was flat.

"We can't go back to the way things were. Like it or not, we've...sailed into one of those blank spaces. You know it as well as I do." He felt he was getting the hang of this metaphor thing.

"And so you think we should what? End each fight by checking into a love hotel instead of you chasing me out of Ikebukuro? Throw flowers at each other instead of knives and vending machines?"

"Not the flowers part. Those things are expensive."

"Hehehe."

"What's so funny?"

Izaya threw back his head and laughed. "Ahahaha! You have the most perfect ironic timing, Shizu-chan, it surprises me even after all these years. You're a brute with unconscious dramatic instincts. Do you know what this place is for?"

Shizuo looked around at the statues and tourists, noting that some of them did indeed have embarrassingly anatomical popsicles. "Didn't the brochure say it's a honeymoon vacation spot?"

"Not just any kind of honeymoon. South Korea has a lot of arranged marriages, you see. Brides and grooms who've barely even met each other before the wedding. So this island is where people get sent to be told they're in a relationship now, like it or not. All _this_ -" Izaya swept out his arms to indicate the whole of 'Loveland', and for a moment Shizuo could almost see his trademark coat flare in the wind even though he wasn't wearing it - "is combination propaganda and instruction manual, to remind them of what they're supposed to be doing. Then they go back to the hotel to put it into practice. I hear the staff there can be quite creative and accomodating. "

All right, he got the point. "That isn't what I meant. Do you actually _want_ to quit having sex? You seemed really into it, but maybe I was wrong. If you don't want to, then that's that." The cigarette between his fingers was nearly down to a stub; he dropped it and crushed the last sparks out with his heel.

For a little while they just stood there. Izaya seemed to be thinking hard about something, staring at the landscape. Shizuo checked his watch; at this rate they weren't going to get to climb the lava tube or go to the beach. Oh well.

"Shizu-chan."

"What?"

"What do you think of this place, as I described it?"

"Not as funny as I thought before." It changed things, to imagine being here as someone who'd just gotten married to a stranger. Maybe someone who was in love with someone else, or gay...no, the pornographic statues weren't as entertaining anymore.

"I think it's fascinating. People under pressure...they do such interesting things. I could spend a whole vacation here watching the relationship disasters unfold. Maybe hang around the hotel offering special services, tragic accidents discreetly arranged for your unwanted new spouse. Oh, don't look at me like that, Shizu-chan, I'm not saying I'd _deliver_. But it'd be interesting to see how many people would be tempted."

"Ugh."

"And that sums up the difference between us in a nutshell. 'Ugh.' Izaya shrugged, hands out as if to say 'see'?

He adjusted his sunglasses so he could look down at the flea over the rims. "Are you saying I wouldn't want to date you because you're an asshole? I already _know_ how horrible you are."

The smirk he got in return was a little more edged than usual. "I really don't think you do, Shizu-chan. As it is you're already quite the pest. 'Oh Izaya, think about the feelings of that guy spying on us, he's probably embarrassed.' 'I saw you confronting this woman and thought it looked unfair so I'm jumping in without knowing the details.' 'Izaya, quit ruining this dinner with people I don't actually know or care about by asking them uncomfortable questions.' Imagine if I was trying to actually get some work done! You were much less in the way when you were trying to kill me on sight."

That stung unpleasantly, because it was true. "You'd want me to promise not to interfere." On the one hand, he wasn't some kind of vigilante superhero; he hadn't paid much attention to the Saika attacks until they targeted him personally. And he stayed out of the way of the yakuza like everyone else, and left gangs alone except when they wouldn't leave him alone. On the other hand, bastards like that tended to do their dirty work out of sight and not in front of his nose. Could he really...

"You couldn't keep it, Shizu-chan," said Izaya, as though reading his thoughts. "What if I did something that targeted one of your friends?"

"Why the hell would you need to do that?"

"Who said anything about need?" And that was the nastiest smile he'd seen since they got on the boat.

Last night being in each other's arms had felt warm and comforting. Right now he had to force himself not to back away as Izaya stepped in close and hugged him.

"Remember that fortune-teller the other day?" Izaya stood on tiptoe to whisper in his ear. "She's probably depressed about her life right now, ne? It's fun to play with people like that and see how far they can be pushed. If I had a long chat with her and she jumped over the railing, would you still want to fuck me afterwards?"

 _Must not kill flea..._ but it was hard to remember why not, right now. The world would be a better place if he threw Izaya in the legs pond and held him under. He'd be sad, afterwards, and of course he'd have to turn himself in and go to prison. Maybe he ought to drown himself in the pond too and improve the world even more.

 _He's got you twisted up with his shitty words,_ he told himself. _Stop it._ As gently as he could, he pushed the flea off and held him at arms' length.

"I get what you're saying, flea. But relationships are supposed to be about compromise, at least that's what I've heard. Maybe you could try being a little _less_ horrible, and I could try putting up with you? Isn't it worth the effort to not be alone?" He knew it wasn't going to work even as he said it.

Izaya laughed again, bitterly, "Ha ha. So you'll agree to trade me physical affection if I modify my life to meet your moral standards. Would I check in with you regularly, is that how it would work? 'Hey Shizu-chan, I'm about to blackmail this guy, does that hurt my chances of getting laid tonight? You want to talk to him before you decide? Sure, I'll put him on.' Let go of me, monster."

He let go. Izaya made a show of checking himself over and dusting off imaginary monster lint. "Your offer's quite generous, protozoan. But you keep not factoring in your own endorphin-based delusions. Right now you're so happy at getting to play boyfriends that you don't want to let it end. But feelings like that don't last."

"This week has been entertaining, I'll admit it. When it's over you can take your newfound experience back home and try to use it to impress a nice girl. Or boy, I don't care. Maybe you'll find someone with a taste for monsters who meets your criteria. At least for a while. One of you is bound to disappoint the other eventually, but thats how relationships work, ne?"

He turned around. "I'm going back to the boat. Don't follow me. I don't want to see you again today, that's an order."

Shizuo stood there for a while after he was out of sight, letting the breeze wash over him. Eventually he realized he was in the way of foot traffic and found himself a bench to sit on.

 _Well, that's that._ What now? He could go to the beach by himself. Smoke one of his remaining six cigarettes. Climb the world's longest lava tube. Nothing seemed appealing. So he just sat there and watched the tourists go by. He hoped each couple he saw was genuinely in love, or at least headed that way. He hoped their relationships worked out and they had happy lives.

He hoped the men in black uniforms walking across the plaza were looking for someone else, even though he knew they weren't.

"Heiwajima Shizuo?"

"Yeah?"

These two had heard about him, he could tell, but they were trying not to let it faze them. One man stopped a little ways away and braced as though ready to pull out a weapon. The other said his piece politely enough and kept his voice steady.

"We'll have to ask you to come with us. You're wanted for questioning in regards to the murder of Tomomi Arai."

_Sonofa..._

* * *

 

He'd been wrong yesterday - there was a real jail on board. The two cops, who were clearly on loan from the island, took his statement, his belt and his shoes before locking him into a cell. They also took his phone; the last message he was able to read was from Simon, responding to the pictures with twenty-three smiley faces in a row.

Nothing to look at but the walls. Nothing to think about but where he'd gone wrong. Was he really just being sappy and not thinking straight? Was it crazy to think there was ever a chance for a real relationship between them?

Most of all, he wondered if that Arai bastard's death was his fault. Maybe it was coincidence. The flea wouldn't resort to straight-up murder just to push Shizuo away, would he?

...would he?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Loveland' and Jeju Island are real, at least if [wikipedia's telling me the truth.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_Land_\(South_Korea\)) The only things I made up were the first statue and the popsicles (and considering the rest of the place, I'm 99% certain the popsicles really exist too).


	20. Day Five:  Running in Circles

Shizuo had been arrested enough times already in his life (and wasn't that a sad thought) to know how to behave in a jail cell. He didn't ask for anything, though he would have really liked a drink of water and something closer to real toilet paper. He tried to get some sleep on the hard bench. And when they came for him in the morning, he stayed right where he was, open hands in plain sight, and waited to be told what to do.

"You're free to go." It was the boat cop who didn't like his job. He looked as though he hadn't gotten much sleep either.

Huh. "Thanks." He shuffled out of the cell carefully anyways, keeping his hands up. "So...does that mean you found who did it?"

"No, but - that is, we're not able to comment on the investigation," the man corrected himself hastily. "But you're free to go as long as you stay aboard for the rest of the cruise. Follow me to the office and I'll return your property." He led the way down the corridor and out into bright sunshine that made Shizuo squint.

In the room where he'd been accused of theft - was it only two days ago? Yeah, two days - he gratefully put his sunglasses back on, fastened his belt, turned on the phone and pocketed it to look at later. The boat cop stayed at the other end of the office, pretending to futz with papers. He might as well have been holding up a sign: _please don't hurt me, I was just doing my job._ All familiar.

He was so tired of this cycle of violence and apologies. But when you'd done one, you had to do the other. He coughed politely and the boat cop nearly jumped a foot in the air.

"Y-yes? Did you need something else?"

"Nah. I just wanted to say sorry. We've caused a lot of trouble on your nice boat. Thank you for your kindness." He bowed awkwardly, then turned to go.

"Ship."

"Huh?"

"We call it a ship, not a boat."

"Oh. Okay." Shizuo held up a hand in thanks for the information on his way to the door.

"Um. I should thank you, too."

That certainly wasn't part of the usual cycle. He turned around. "What for?"

"Dealing with those Jeju officers was the last straw. I'm quitting when my contract's up, and going back to school to study marine biology."

Shizuo wasn't sure what to say, so he just nodded. The other man nodded back, looking determined.

 _Huh._ Irritating someone into a career change wasn't really something to be proud of. He wouldn't tell anyone about it. But he thought it might make him feel a tiny bit better, on bad days back in Ikebukuro, to remember that somewhere in the world, someone was happily counting eels because of him.

* * *

 

There was no sign of Izaya in the cabin. The bed hadn't been slept in, and his laptop was still in the little safe for valuables under the desk. He sent a text message of _where are you lousy flea?_ and then went to take a long, hot and badly needed shower.

When he came back, there was still no response. Huh. He scrolled through his phone contacts; it took him a minute to find the entry, since it was filed phonetically under B (for Annoying Flea Bastard) instead of O.

"This is Orihara Izaya. If you've reached this number, then most likely I don't want to talk to you at all. But they do say hope springs eternal in the human breast. If you want to prove it, you could _try_ leaving a message..."

He hung up. If the informant was in his own jail cell with his phone confiscated, he deserved it. Shizuo was not walking all the way back to the other end of the boat to check on him. There were more important things to do, like getting some food and a nap before the next horrible thing in his life happened.

* * *

 

"No," said the tired-looking woman at the desk in the office above the cells. "We questioned and released Orihara-san last night. Is he missing?"

"Nah, he's fine," he lied hastily. "I just wanted to know if he'd come back here. He said he was going to ask why you held me overnight and not him." _Did that sound believable?_

"Heiwajima-san, is your cabinmate still not aware that you threatened the deceased with a weapon in front of many witnesses?"

 _Guess not._ "I, uh, not exactly."

She gave him a look that said _I'm not being paid enough to deal with you_ and said, "If you have any further information about the death of Tomomi Arai, I strongly suggest that you tell us for your own sake. We'll check on Orihara-san's whereabouts." She went back to filling out paperwork as though he'd already left.

That had gone so badly he consoled himself with the cigarette he'd been trying to hold off on (five left now). At least it was refreshing to deal with someone who wasn't even slightly afraid.

* * *

 

In the breakfast room he ducked away from the waffle girl's smile and grabbed a few familiar Japanese foods from the sidebar. As he stepped out onto the deck, his heart sank; he hadn't realized how much he'd been secretly expecting Izaya to be at 'their' table, smirking in triumph or tapping intently at his phone. _Damn. He really has messed with my head._

"-strangled, then thrown into the pool," said a voice to his left.

"Ewwww! I can't believe we were swimming there just the day before!"

"Ssshhh! It's supposed to be secret, they're reporting it as an accident."

Shizuo sat down in the closest empty chair so fast he nearly spilled the food off his tray. He tried not to look in the direction of the voices.

"-lose an incredible amount of money," continued the first speaker. He sounded like a young know-it-all type, so eager to impress others that he couldn't keep his mouth shut. Back home they tended to join gangs and then get thrown out within a few weeks. "So of course they want to deal with it as quietly as possible. And now we're at sea again, so there's no police stomping around."

"Oh my god, stop it, you're freaking me out." The other voice didn't actually sound very scared. "How do you know all this stuff?" She giggled.

"I know a lot of things. Know what's really scary? The guy hadn't been dead long at all when they found him. That means someone killed him and threw him in the pool in the middle of the day without anyone noticing. A killer like that could be.. _.anywhere!"_

A shriek and more giggles. Shizuo realized he was just sitting there staring at his food like an idiot; he was lucky they hadn't noticed him eavesdropping. He made himself pick up his chopsticks and start eating.

If Arai was killed in the middle of the day yesterday, then he and Izaya both had good alibis. There were pictures on several phones of them goofing around in the park. It was a relief to know the flea hadn't killed him because of their fight.

But then who did? And...alibi or not, it seemed weird that the cops would just let someone as suspicious as him go after one night. They hadn't roughed him up or threatened him. They'd barely questioned him, really.

Where _was_ the flea? He had to be involved somehow. What the hell was going on on this boat?

He sat there thinking about it long after his plate was empty and the talkative couple had left. Investigation wasn't his kind of thing at all. Anyway, you had to have clues to add them up, and he didn't have any.

Wait. Maybe he did have one.

* * *

 

The 'Seventh Heaven Bar and Smoking Lounge' was, naturally, at the opposite end of the boat and directly above the jail cells. It was also closed. The bartender half-heartedly polishing the counter said "We open at five, sir" without even looking up as Shizuo came in. His cuffs were rolled back and slightly frayed, and one end of his bowtie was hanging loose.

 _Tch, if you're gonna wear the outfit, do it right._ But he wasn't here to give fashion advice. He slid onto the end stool and looked over the tobacco stacked in rows behind the bar, above the bottles. Nothing but cigars and high-end stuff, just like the clerk had told him the other day.

Dropping the cleaning rag, the bartender turned to face him. "I can't serve you till five, sir."

"Not even if I order a 'Blue Sunset'?" He watched carefully to see if that got a reaction.

And it definitely did. The man straightened all the way up, eyes narrowing, and he looked Shizuo up and down suspiciously. "You don't look like the type of customer who orders that. Sir."

 _Huh._ "That's funny, cause the first night I was on board a waitress suggested it to me. Blonde lady, lots of braids, angel wings?"

"She did? Wait..." His eyes widened. "What's your name?"

"Heiwajima Shizuo."

"It is you! Sorry, I should've recognized you." The bartender practically stood at attention. "What can I do for you, sir?"

This was getting weirder and weirder. But he wasn't going to turn down the chance for some answers. "You can tell me what the hell's going on. How do you even know my name? Why are people following us? And where's Orihara Izaya? Do you know who killed that guy? And-"

"Whoa, whoa, wait! I can only tell you what I know, and that's not much! Don't get mad!"

"I'm not mad, I just wanna know."

"...Then, uh, could you not break my counter?"

Shizuo looked down and saw the edges of the fake marble starting to crack and splinter. Hastily he let go and held his hands up in the air where they couldn't hurt anything. "Sorry about that."

"It's okay. You're really something, you know that? It's like meeting the Hulk in real life, only not as green."

He'd never been compared to a superhero before. It was kinda flattering. But not the point right now. "So what _can_ you tell me?"

"Just that we all got the word to help you if you needed it, and not to help that other guy you mentioned. And to not piss you off no matter what. "

"The word from who?"

The bartender pointed upward. "Management. It came from real high up, I heard."

That didn't make any sense. He frowned. "Why would they do that? I'm not anybody important."

"No idea. Look, I know who you want to talk to. Hans gets really into following special directives like this, he'll know more about your situation for sure. I think he's up on deck 9 near the bow right now. Want me to call him and say you want to meet?"

"That'd be great, thanks." Shizuo let his arms fall back to the counter and put his head down on them for a moment of rest. Finally, he felt like he was making progress. And, hey - "If you're supposed to help me out, how about some cigarettes? Regular ones, not the fancy stuff. And is that a milkshake mixer over there?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, this has nothing to do with the fic, I admit it, but I just learned about [Japanese firefighters](http://literaryreference.tumblr.com/post/173304264569/kurowrites-kurowrites-bamfcoyotetango) and my jaw is still hanging open. Those STUNTS, especially the recent video. 
> 
> Anyone want to try a firefighter AU? Can you see Kadota's crew on top of those ladders? I can. 
> 
> Walker: But I like to SET fire to things-
> 
> Me: Hush you.


	21. Following the Trail

  
Once he stopped worrying that more parts of his bar would get broken, Motoki turned out to be a real nice guy. They chatted and talked shop until it was almost time for him to open up. Shizuo left with a wave and three more precious cigarettes tucked away (a personal gift from Motoki, since nothing for sale was either appealing or affordable.)

It would have been nice, he mused, making his way down the deck to the other end of the ship for the fifth time in one day. If he'd been able to control his temper he might have been manager or even owner of a bar by now. A steady well-paying job. A nice apartment to come home to at the end of the night, maybe even someone waiting for him - someone with a smart mouth and dark hair and red-brown eyes, sharp words but welcoming arms...

 _Stupid. Quit dreaming about things you'll never have._ He had more important things to think about, like how he was going to find this "Hans" guy he was supposed to meet. Did Hans even speak Japanese, with a name like that? Nah, Motoki wouldn't have steered him wrong. Shizuo stepped up onto the raised deck that surrounded the pointy tip of the boat, paused, and looked around.

There was only one person in the whole area. A maintenance guy in white coveralls and cap, swabbing the deck.

_Oh for crying out loud..._

It explained a lot. No, wait, it didn't explain anything, he was more confused than ever. If someone didn't fork over some answers soon he was going to get violent out of sheer frustration.

"Oi. Are you Hans?"

The familiar-looking man turned around. "Hey, there you are. Motoki told me you'd be coming by." He set his mop down against the wall and walked over. As he got closer Shizuo thought he had the answer to at least one small question; Hans' accent was as Tokyo-standard as his own, but something about the shape of the face and eyebrows suggested a Western parent.

"I guess you know who I am," he answered, shaking the offered hand, "seeing as you've been spying on us all along. I have a lot of questions, and the first one is: where's the louse?" Shit, he'd almost said _my louse_.

"I don't know." Hans quickly took a step back and put his hands up, demonstrating that he wasn't dumb. "Sorry! I'd tell you if I knew! We'd like to know where he is, too. Devious little bastard you've got as a roommate there."

"Yeah, tell me something I don't know," Shizuo sighed. "How about this one: why'd your bosses want you to follow us around? I thought you were Izaya's enemies, but Motoki said you were helping _me_ , which doesn't make any sense."

Hans blinked in surprise. "Wait. You don't know?"

Shizuo probably couldn't have stopped the growl that came up out of his throat if he'd tried. He didn't try. Hans turned noticeably paler. "Sorry! I was just surprised! The president got a request. From - believe it or not - the actor Hanajima Yuuhei."

Oh. _Ohh._

"He said he was concerned about your safety onboard, especially from your travel companion, and asked us to watch over you as a special favor. If everything worked out he hinted that he'd be willing to do some events and performances. Cruise lines never get to book stars of his caliber, so of course they jumped at the chance."

Shizuo was barely listening. His brother had been looking out for him all along. The knowledge made something inside him glow bright and warm, and the universe felt upright and in its proper place for the first time in days. "So that stuff about the Blue Sunset really was just to help me get away from him? Hah. I did start to wonder if I was in a James Bond movie for a bit there."

"Yeah, it's a code word we give to people we've been asked to take special care of. Usually it's women with abusive husbands or boyfriends. I bet Motoki was surprised to hear it from a guy at first."

"All right then, if you don't know where Izaya is, then what about that dead guy? Ah, not where he is, I don't care about the body or anything. But do you know who might have done it?"

Hans made a face. "To be honest, I was hoping that _you_ knew. We're clueless here and management cares more about keeping it quiet than anything else. Why?"

"Philosophy!"

"...What?"

Shizuo grinned. _See, I can spout fancy bullshit too, flea._ "Every person's philosophy gets built around a few basic assumptions, right? Like, "the spirits watch over us" or "science is the best approach to everything" or "only family can be trusted", things like that."

"Okay..."

He looked around for something to pick up and wave dramatically. Sadly, there was only the railing, and he'd caused Hans and his protection team enough trouble already. Instead he took off his sunglasses and tucked them into his vest pocket as though preparing for a fight. " _My_ philosphy starts with -"

"Random violent crap that doesn't make any sense is 99% likely to involve Izaya! I-ZA-YA-KUN! GET YOUR SHITTY FLEA ASS OVER HERE SO I CAN KICK IT!"

* * *

 

Fair enough, Hans had said. Unfortunately he wasn't sure where Shizuo should start looking.

"I'll tell you one thing, though. Watch out for people you've previously met onboard, even if they seemed friendly or it was just a small interaction. I get the feeling we're not the only ones good at espionage here."

That was a disturbing thought. Everyone he'd met could be a spy? Which of them was secretly the big boss villain? The waffle girl? Shizuo sighed around the cigarette in his mouth and looked out over the ocean. This deck was too high up to even imagine seeing whales, but he didn't feel like walking all the way back just yet and there wasn't much else to do on this part of the ship. And he didn't sense the stink of the flea's presence anywhere here either.

The sounds out here weren't like those of home at all. Instead of the honking of horns and cell phone noises, gulls made long piercing sounds as they flew overhead. The endless sound of the waves was softer than the white noise of traffic and people always moving. The angry men yelling at each other sounded pretty much the same, though.

Someone stomped past behind him, muttering about lawsuits and motherfuckers and faces being slammed into walls. Shizuo turned his head idly to look at the guy's retreating back. _Is that how I sound to other people?_   Wait, he knew that whiny voice and those orange flip-flops. This was the same man who'd accused him of theft the other day, the one who got blackmailed by Izaya.

He was obviously having a terrible vacation, not that Shizuo felt much sympathy. Who had he been yelling at? Someone back in that direction...oh. He knew that person, too. Damn it. Shizuo pulled the sunglasses out of his vest pocket again and shoved them back on.

Time to intimidate.

"<Good evening! Nice day, hah? You have fun today, Andreas?>"

Andreas tried to scramble up from the deckchair where he'd been sitting. Shizuo leaned over him with his best menacing grin. "<I liked you, I thought you were a nice guy. But no, huh? It was all a lie? You kill that man?"> He couldn't remember the English word for spy. Whatever. He picked up the deckchair and tilted it; Andreas went down. He kept his arms up in front of his face as though to fend off Shizuo instead of trying to break his fall, which at least showed sensible priorities.

"<No, no! Don't hurt me, please! I didn't do anything!"> He kept babbling, but Shizuo's English wasn't good enough to follow. Hm. After a few moments, he set the deckchair down.

"<All right, stop, I won't hit you. Let's go see my friend.>" Hans spoke fluent English, he was sure, and having someone else there would keep him from getting too violent. Not that he really felt like punching anyone when they were blubbering on the floor like that.

Andreas scrambled backwards to crouch against the wall. He was still crying in fear; when Shizuo held out a hand, he cringed away. "Oh, come on. What, you've never been in a situation like this before or something? How can you be a spy with such a flimsy backbone?" Ah, it was a pain to have to use English. "<Get up. Stop crying. Please, okay?>"

Eventually he had to pick Andreas up by a fistful of shirt and throw him over one shoulder. He turned around and almost dropped him again. A woman was standing right there against the railing watching.

"You should probably put him down, Heiwajima-san," she said in perfect Japanese she sure as hell hadn't seemed to have back in the dining room. "He's not involved at all."

"And you are, huh? Look, I don't remember your name, but whoever you are, I just want to find Orihara Izaya. And I'm getting _real tired_ of people telling me they don't know where he is."

"Then you're in luck," she said as calmly as though she was telling another story about high school. "Because I do know. Would you like me to take you to him?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Izaya will be back next chapter, I promise! 
> 
> And yeah, we're getting towards the end. 2-3 more chapters to go.


	22. Confrontation

Xiaohan finally stopped and knocked on a door. "It's me."

She hadn't said much as she led them down through a maze of increasingly narrow corridors, other than her name, and that was fine with Shizuo. He was busy trying to think of a way to beat the crap out of the flea (because there was a 99.9% chance he'd turn out to deserve it) without breaking any more parts of the ship. The only idea he'd had so far was to stay totally calm whatever happened.

"Yes, I brought him," Xiaohan said to the door. It opened and she slipped inside, gesturing him to follow.

The first thought Shizuo had was that Izaya really must have spent a mint on the cruise tickets; this cabin was less than half the size of theirs, and with four people in it there was barely room to throw a punch. The second thought was that the flea looked way more pleased with himself than anyone tied to a chair ought to. His hands were bound behind his back in a way that had to be uncomfortable, and a bruise decorated one cheek, but his smirk said: It's so cute that you all think you're in control here.

The woman who'd opened the door for them sat down on the bed with a sigh. She looked familiar, too; he remembered her explaining about the honey wine at that first dinner. "So what was he doing?" she asked.

"Terrorizing poor Andreas. It's a good thing I got there when I did."

"I told you," chirped Izaya. "Shizu-chan can't be left on his own or he'll tear the place apart trying to find me. It's sweet, really."

"Sweet, huh?" He was still calm, this was fine. Threats of violence didn't count. "Will it be sweet when I pick up that chair and throw you -"

"Wait!" interrupted the other woman.

"We'd prefer you didn't do that," said Xiaohan at the same time. "Our job is to deliver him alive."

Huh. "So you really did kidnap him? This isn't some complicated stupid scheme of his?"

"No."

"Are you sure? I mean, you seem real competent and all, I don't mean to insult you, but..." Shizuo broke off to glare at Izaya, who was now laughing so hard he'd have fallen out of his chair if he wasn't tied there.

"We know what we're doing, thank you," said Xiaohan coldly. "Do you, Bodyguard-san?"

Shizuo scratched his head. "Not really," he admitted. To give himself time to think, he pulled the almost-empty pack of cigarettes from his pocket (no sense letting the flea know about the extras from Motoki) and lit one, slowly. Both women looked annoyed, but neither of them told him to stop, which was interesting. Were they scared of him? They didn't act like it.

"So it was you two behind those weird tarot cards?" he asked.

"Yes," said the woman whose name he didn't know. "Our employer wanted them used as a warning and to unsettle Orihara-san here. I'd planned to leave them one at a time under your door and that kind of thing, but that fortune-teller tent was too good to pass up."

"I admit, it worked quite well." Izaya had finally stopped laughing, though he still sounded amused. "Clever, aren't they, Shizu-chan? Not to mention, taking out Tomomi Arai in a public place without anyone seeing couldn't have been easy. Skillfully done."

"That _wasn't_ part of the plan." Xiaohan sank down onto the tiny sofa with a sigh of her own. "The idiot just wouldn't stop following me around. "'Beautiful women and a dark underworld scheme,'" she said, fluttering her eyelashes and mimicking Arai's voice. "'I must know more.'" The last straw was when he offered to help me 'refine my technique'. I took him up on it and used him for practice."

"Men," agreed the other woman. "They read two wikipedia pages and think they're an expert on anything. - I didn't mean you, Heiwajima-san," she added quickly.

No one said anything after that. Shizuo had been mostly watching Izaya, waiting for a cue to act; the silence took a few moments to register. He looked around. Everyone else was sitting down and staring at him as he stood in the middle of the room, head ducked a little so he wouldn't hit it on the ceiling light.

_They're all waiting for me. To do what?_

"Let me see if I got this," he said slowly. "The two of you have kidnapped this louse and you want to take him somewhere to do what with him?"

"To deliver him to our employers," said Xiaohan. "It's not our business what happens to him after that."

"Although it's safe to say nothing pleasant, since by now I have a pretty good idea of who hired them," put in Izaya. He still didn't sound in the least concerned.

Shizuo looked around for somewhere to put the stub of his cigarette. He settled for crushing it out against a brochure on "Shipboard Delights" that lay on the table. "I can't help but notice, though, you haven't ordered me to rescue you or anything. And no one here is acting like they want a fight."

"We know we can't take you in a fight," said Xiaohan simply. "As the idiot said, it's not hard to find videos of you on the Internet. I wouldn't go up against you without snipers and a full squad to back them up. And even then, I wouldn't send anyone who wasn't expendable."

He shrugged. "I don't like fighting women anyway."

"We know that, too. Will you hear us out?"

"I'm standing here." He glanced at Izaya again. The flea was listening with his head tilted to one side, smirking like this was all a grand entertainment set up just for him. Since that tended to be his expression 95% of the time, there were no clues there. Shizuo stood still and listened.

"Everything we said the other night at dinner was true. Jingyi and I have been together since high school, but it's not something that would ever be allowed. She was going to be married off...we had to run away. Her family would drag her back if they ever found us.

"This assignment is our way out. If we can bring him back successfully, we'll get passage out of the country. A new life, somewhere we don't have to hide. A chance to live honestly and not do things like this. He -" she pointed at Izaya "- really isn't a good person, you said it yourself. You're only obeying his orders because you have to. But if you let us take him, you won't have to worry about him ever again."

"If you do want him to survive, for some reason," Jingyi added, "we might be able to help with that. No promises, but we'd try. Or if you prefer, we could make sure that he doesn't." She shot a glare in Izaya's direction and he smirked back. It wasn't hard to guess how the bruise on the flea's cheek had gotten there.

Xiaohan looked up at him pleadingly. "You're a better person than you think you are, Heiwajima-san. You're not deliberately cruel, and you're often kind. We're trusting you here. Will you help us? You don't have to do anything at all, just...stand aside."

Women begging him for help were not a novelty in Shizuo's life. Mostly they wanted more time for debts they didn't have to rack up and didn't want to pay back. This was a bit different. He looked away from her face, over to a smirk that seemed a little forced to his experienced eye.

"I'm tied up here," said Izaya. "I certainly can't stop you from doing what you think is right."

"You _did_ set this up."

"Oh, no, no, not at all! I'm hurt that you would think that! But _after_ I found myself in this situation, the three of us had a nice long chat and I may have pointed out how little chance they have of succeeding without your cooperation. And that you might be inclined to give it if asked nicely."

"Why the hell would you do something like that?"

He'd seen that look yesterday. And in his dreams whenever he managed to fall asleep for a little, down in the cell last night. And now Izaya was aiming it at him again.

"Oh dear, Shizu-chan. If your memory's too poor to remember our conversations then this won't be a very instructive lesson for you, will it." Izaya sighed dramatically. "Try to think back. Or am I expecting too much from a protozoan?"

Conversations? As in more than one? What the hell. Shizuo closed his eyes. _The flea spouts bullshit constantly, how am I supposed to remember any of it in particular?_

Well, there was the argument they'd had yesterday. And the other day, when he'd tried to help that fortune-teller and the flea had been so furious. What had he said?

**_"You couldn't keep it, Shizu-chan."_ **

**_"It's a long-standing pattern of yours, this delusion of chivalry."_ **

**_"Right now you're so happy at getting to play boyfriends that you don't want to let it end. But feelings like that don't last."_ **

**_"One of you is bound to disappoint the other eventually, but that's how relationships work, ne?"_ **

**_"...you suddenly turn into a fucking Boy Scout. Hypocrisy at its finest. I could almost think you were human."_ **

He opened his eyes. "I don't get it."

"That's too bad," said Izaya, as both women groaned. Jingyi held a hand to her forehead. "What are you going to do?"

It was a good question. Shizuo had no doubt at all that Izaya could weasel his way out of a kidnapping and away from the entire Korean mob, if necessary. The flea was harder to squash than his namesake. And he certainly _deserved_ some trouble and maybe a thrashing or two, after all the shit he'd put people through over the years.

Yesterday Shizuo had tried his hardest. He'd offered Izaya - not his heart, that was too sappy, but a chance at something in that direction. He'd offered compromise and change. And the flea had walked away with cruel words.

Izaya expected him to walk away now, he was sure of it.

What a moron.

Shizuo grinned, or at least bared his teeth. "What am I going to do? If I'm the one in charge here, and it sure sounds like it, here's what WE'RE going to do."

"You and you" - he pointed at Xiaohan and Jingyi - "are going to stay quiet and not cause any more trouble, and leave us alone for the rest of the trip. And from now on, too."

"But -" said Jingyi.

"Shut up. _You_ -" he pointed at the flea, who was staring at him openmouthed - "are going to get their phone numbers or whatever, and after we get home you're going to help them get out of the country like they wanted. Don't give me that look, I know you can do it. You'll even turn a profit on it somehow, because you're a weasel."

There was a pause.

"RIGHT?"

"I suppose," said Izaya, still looking stunned.

It took less than two steps to reach the chair he was tied in. "And I," Shizuo continued as he looked over the zip ties, "am going to take you back to our cabin." There were probably scissors around, but it wasn't worth the trouble. He grabbed the thick plastic in one hand and pulled it apart; Izaya hissed in pain and shook his hands out afterwards.

He had to go down on one knee to reach the tie binding Izaya's feet, which put him at the right height to whisper the rest into the flea's ear.

"We'll get you cleaned up and maybe try out that hot tub. And after you've had some sleep, I am going to fuck you until you can't think of any more smartass things to say. Just my name."

The tiny gasp and catch of breath, so quickly smothered that no one else could have heard it, was incredibly satisfying.

He kept whispering as he scooped the unresisting flea up in his arms. "For the rest of the trip, let's just enjoy ourselves. Like you said. We won't talk about the future and I won't ask anything more of you. Okay?"

The two women just sat there staring as he carried Izaya out. Xiaohan didn't even move to shut the door behind them; he finally heard it close when they were halfway down the hall. And it wasn't until a while after that, somewhere between decks C and D, that he felt the tension in Izaya's body start to relax.

The narrow corridors with the low doorways were starting to get to him, so he took a detour out on deck on the way back to their cabin. Good choice: refreshingly cold breeze, moon and stars, and almost no people. He leaned on the rail for a moment, cuddling Izaya in close, and looked out at the waves. Any minute now the flea would wriggle to get down or complain or stab him with a knife the women had somehow missed.

But instead Izaya leaned his head back against him and looked out at the water too.

"I guess you win this round, Shizu-chan."

"Do I get a prize?"

"Aren't you holding it?"

"Heh. Yeah."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was hard to write! I hope it made sense. Izaya is not good at communicating (understatement of the century).


End file.
